Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I think I figured out why it’s so hard to speak up for what’s right in the world. It’s because we don’t want to hurt people’s feelings. How messed up is that? We’ll let people hurt other people because we don’t want to make the first set of people feel bad about themselves. I really want to make the world rise up and start doing better by the poor and downtrodden. But, I’m also worried the world won’t like it very much. Help?

- Pardon Me

Dear Pardonne Moi,

I think only the president has the power to pardon you. (Dad joke!) And speaking of dads, we can probably blame our parents for this. We can blame our parents for pretty much anything that goes wrong with us. And not in an “OK, boomer” way, though that way is also pretty universally valid. I mean because our parents imprint us with values that we simultaneously ingrain and rebel against, which causes us to do all kinds of crap, like al lowing injustices to continue and becoming so-called advice columnists.

You’re pardoned, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m somehow the only person on the planet who hasn’t caught the plague yet this winter. I like to think it’s because I put honey in my tea and eat citrus fruit every day. My friends tell me that it’s probably because I have no friends and never actually see people. Whatever the reason, I feel like my hot streak could go cold (haha) any day. Should I start stocking up on the cold medicines advertised on my favorite podcasts? Or keep doing what I’m doing?

- Preemptive Strike

Dear Premature Vaccination,

I tried to play off “preemptive”a? “premature” there, but there are so few words that a) relate to infectious diseases and b) evoke the word “ejaculation.” So vaccination it is, even though there’s no cure for the cold. I’d keep doing whatever you’re doing, and just add whiskey to it. It won’t actually help, but trust me, it will make this piss-poor response to your letter go down better.

– Your spoonful of sugar, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have a European friend who works with clients around the world, and he applied a full year ago for a visa to come to Durango (and other places in the U.S.) Well, he just cancelled his visit, because the visa STILL hasn’t been processed. They haven’t denied him entry, they just haven’t bothered to look at it yet. Should he just fly to Mexico and jump the wall like everyone else? Or should we just blame the president and move on?

– American Express

Dear Mastercard,

Two words: Thanks, Obama. Kidding! Kidding kidding kidding, and then silently weeping into my porridge. Things were so much better not so very long ago, when presidents pardoned people who deserved to be pardoned and personally signed visas for every upstanding European who wanted to come work with clients in Durango. I’m a little disconcerted, however, by the lack of explanation for your friend’s work. Unspecified “clients” makes me think your amigo is either a hooker or a killer. Maybe both?

– Not everywhere you want to be, Rachel