Ask Rachel

Interesting fact: The Black Death in the 14th century reduced the world population from 475 million to 350 million or so. Breathe easy! There is zero chance coronavirus will reduce us to anything less than 500 million.

 

 

Dear Condolences,

A “diver” is a “dishwasher,” so your “friend” is “wrong.” And so are you. This is a “serious” advice “column,” and any laughter that might occur as a result of its use is “incidental.” As you will see, this week’s mailbag is full of serious “questions,” to which I will provide “answers” as insightful as “possible” without being an actual “professional” in any serious or “relevant” field. No offense, but it’s really tough to take things “seriously” with so many “quotation marks.”

 

 

Dear Boo Radley,

I never thought of it, but the whole “State Farm is there” jingle will now creep me out forever. Sing it in a breathy voice. Not the sexy one, the other one. Gah! But since this is a serious advice column, I advise you to apply all the coronavirus precautions to evading your insurance stalkers. Buy several weeks’ worth of groceries. Wash your hands repeatedly. Disappear into the Weminuche without telling anyone where you’ve gone. Dare the bastards to come find you there.

 

 

Dear Immunowarrior,

Serious questions beg for serious answers. But I already addressed the coronavirus thing with the last letter. So I’ll take this opportunity to say, apropos of nothing, that humor is an entirely subjective artform and it’s impossible to please the masses while also remaining true to what little integrity I have left. But hey! Keep writing in complaints, because letters make my world go ’round.