Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel
Interesting fact: Charities, political parties seeking donations, and political candidates are exempt from the Do Not Call registry. So call them all you please. Just don’t call them Uncle.
 
Dear Rachel,
You look soooo much better in color, please ask your Telegraph editors to assemble your column on one of the color page sections. OK? Thanks.
– Uncle Cliff 
P.S.  Kudos to SHAN the Telegraph’s cartoonist.  Sincerely...  He’s so talented and appreciated.  :-)
 
Dear So-much-wrong-here-where-do-I-start,
“Uncle” works soooo much better when the title is given to you as a term of endearment. Or, you know, relation. When you give it to yourself, it’s creepy af. Doubly so in the context of appreciating a woman on her printed-page looks, and her dudely colleague on his talent. Shan IS crazy talented. And I’m… less so. But still, this letter is not so hot for your optics, Uncle Cliff. Not hot at all. Unlike me, in B&W.
– Always in Technicolor, Rachel
 
Dear Rachel,
Do you go to any of those reputably speedy oil change service stations? (I’m not saying their name so they don’t get the free press.) They do a better job in about 1/8th of the time it would take me, which is why I go. But man, they sell you hard on all the scary things your car needs. And they give me such judgy looks when I decline my brake fluid cleanse or an air filter rejuvenation. This isn’t a car spa. It’s a freaking oil change. 
- Qwik-E Grease
 
Dear Lube-n-Go,
Come on. They give you free popcorn. FREE POPCORN. You can try to sell me organic starter motors as long as you please if you keep the buttery, salty goodness coming all day long. (By which I still mean popcorn, Uncle Cliff, before you go getting ideas.) They can tell me I need to replace my cabin filter or die, and I weigh out the cost of that versus the quantity of popcorn I will eat. And the extra services never win. But I do take popcorn to go.
– Poppety pop pop, Rachel 
 
Dear Rachel,
Thank the forefathers, the Colorado primary is over. I got to the point where I didn’t even care what the results were. The only result I cared about was for campaigns to stop texting me. I seriously don’t recall checking some box saying it was OK for my information to be distributed to campaign volunteers, all of whom by the way had out-of-state numbers. Before the next election hits, how can I get myself scrubbed from the party records?
– Do Not Call
 
Dear Nobody Home,
Two words: Dick. Pic. It doesn’t have to be flattering. (As if there’s a flattering dick pic.) It doesn’t even have to be your dick. One little reply showcasing that flabby little monster, and they’ll never ask you again if you’ve decided to support Tulsi Gabbard. The sad truth is that these volunteers probably get more dick pics than Uncle Cliff can count, and yours will be lost in a sea of unsolicited genitalia. And, it could get you 
arrested. But hey, there are no text messages in jail, so it’s a win-win.
– Vote me 4 prez, Rachel

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