Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So I placed a classified ad in the Telegraph, and got spammed on my phone by some pervert asking me to send him a picture of my underwear. A friend of mine, who also had an ad in there with her number, got the same text. We were thinking of getting back at this sicko by sending him a picture of some skid-marked tightie whities. Or is that only going to encourage him? What other ideas does Rachel have for such unwanted personal intrusions?

– Two Can Play at That Game

Dear Deuce,

Oh, Rachel has other ideas, alright. Here’s one. When a pervert texts you, call him back immediately. And I mean, immediately. Ask him if he’s aware he’s just interfered with a federal investigation. Demand that he stay put until agents arrive at his location. Scare him until he skids his own tightie whities. Then request that he send his drawers as criminal evidence to the FBI, c/o Jeff Sessions.

– That’s how you tango, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I know I will probably have my locals card revoked for admitting this, but I hate Snowdown. Every year, it lands on my birthday, and all my friends want to do is participate in stupid events. It’s like I don’t even exist. I’ve tried to get into the spirit, but just can’t seem to embrace it. Please Diver, help me cope with Snowdown before they run me out of town on the Narrow Gauge rails.

– The Grinch

Dear Snowdowner,

It’s my civic duty to beam you to the spice mines of Kessel for such treasonous talk. But I gotta say... I agree with you. And Snowdown ain’t even on my birthday. Here’s what I do to cope with the madness: all the things I normally avoid because of other people. Things like grocery shopping, which I usually do at 10 p.m. just so I don’t have to fight the shopping-cart logjam in produce. So see? You can make your own fun. Screw your friends and their stupid events.

– Happy birthday, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I understand that snow removal is a logistical nightmare. But is the right place to put all that snow really on street corners, where pedestrians require access to walk safely? Where I live, someone in a wheel-chair couldn’t even leave the block. But even us fully abled folks suddenly find ourselves walled in, if we live anywhere but historic Third Ave. What can we do to take back the streets?

– Hoofing It

Dear Footloose,

You should consider yourself lucky to even have sidewalks! There’s entire blocks in this town without pedestrian access at all. But your point is well taken. A city touting its commuter friendliness could do more to enable residents’ anti-driving options. If you feel strongly, you could call the city manager at (970) 375-5005. Be sure you ask for pictures of his undies.

– Walk this way, Rachel