Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Now that Brangelina have broken up, do you think you and Brad will get back together? You were always such a cute couple.

– Sincerely, Missy Votel

Dear Missy-V,

Wait wait WAIT. Brangelina broke up? When? And how come no one tells me these things? I mean, I’m not exactly the most tuned-in gal. But news like that, news that quivers the Richter scale, ought to have reached me even in the backcountry. Now, on to your question. Because you are my editorialista, I feel obligated to point out to you that Brad Pitt was never with “Rachel.” (He was with the actress, ol’ whatsername, who played a character with that name on some TV show.) And I feel like I should try to explain the difference between me and my avatar. However, instead of those things, I’m going to pretend like I don’t care who’s single or coupled or anything like that.

– Always stuck in second gear, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve been driving by the two-for-one Mercedes/BMW for sale on 8th Avenue, you know, in the parking lot of the old Greyhound station across from Sonic. I’ve noticed they haven’t moved and think I can probably talk the owner down and be the most pimpingest guy in town. But I worry about the maintenance – I’ve heard foreign cars can be expensive to work on. What do you think: deal or money pit?

– Sincerely, Dos Autos

Dear Fahrvergnügen,

I noticed that you said you “drive” by this too-good-to-be-true deal. I take this to mean you already have a car. And I presume it is not, shall we say, a most pimpingest car. And that’s OK. Look around you, dude. Do you think any prospective acquaintance in this town cares how pimp your ride is? Unless you want to befriend the crew of the Yellow Submarine (because that car is the bomb), stop trying to impress us with your ride. We’re all way more impressed with how much gear you can pack in your trunk. Besides, the pimpingestness comes not from the car, but from the driver. Money pit. Move on.

– Don’t drive like my brother, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My girlfriend and I broke up recently and I’m constantly afraid of running into her in town. I know that this is a normal reaction, but unfortunately, she drives a green Subaru Outback. This means that every twenty seconds my heart almost jumps out of my chest and every parking lot sends me into a panic. Any advice?

– Sincerely, Skittish 4 Subies 

Dear Brad,

Oh my god! I should have known Angelina drives a green Subie. How unoriginal. She would totally try to fit in with us plebeians by driving like “one of us.” Doesn’t she know there’s a BMW/Mercedes deal over by Sonic? She should buy those money pits for herself and whatever rebound she’s going to adopt next. Just knowing this about her, I’m completely unsurprised you dumped her admittedly appealing ass. I understand your nervousness about bumping into her, though. Perhaps the best thing would be not to go out in public for a while. Come on over. I’ll make you tea and listen to everything. I mean, if you want to. You know. Whatever.

– Still totally not caring, Brachel <3