Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

In a moment of weakness, in the depths of winter, I signed up for the Iron Horse. But now that spring is threatening to burst forth, I have to face facts: I have yet to mount my bi- cycle. Actually, I don’t even have a bicycle. And it’s not like I’ve been cross-training on skis and snowshoes all winter, either. There’s three months to the big day. So give it to me straight, Rachel. Is there hope for me? Or am I now obsolete?

– The Old Gray Mare

Dear Glue Factory,

Hope? Where there’s life, there’s hope. Rebellions are built on hope. Yet hope is a dangerous thing. You can’t ride over mountains on hope alone. The way I see it, there’s only one way to find out if you can do the Iron Horse: do the damned thing and try to finish before the pickup crew sweeps you off the road with all the other slowpokes. What better moment than now to get started? It’s less than a mile a day if you hit the road soon.

– It’s never too late, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

There’s definitely a sense of competitiveness in this town. Who goes skiing the longest, who runs the biggest rapids, who drinks the most beers. That’s all fine. But I think my neighbor is trying to get competitive with me, via his dog. Every time they walk by, he asks about my pooch’s activities, which amount to lying on the couch. Then he ups me with how many miles his dog managed, at high elevation, in the snow, at speed. How can I shut him up without embarrassing myself with our homebody lifestyle?

– House Trained

Dear Lazy Dog,

Easy! You just have to measure your dog’s successes in other ways. Namely, lying. “My dog already bit three people today!” you can say. “He seems to have a particular taste for high-altitude distance athletes. Must be their gaminess. How many people did your pup catch today?” If the thought of your dog gnawing his jerky doesn’t keep him away, at least your newfound neighborliness might do the trick.

– Give the dog a bone, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My wife forgot Valentine’s day. I gave her through the weekend, thinking she had something grandiose planned that wouldn’t fit on a weeknight. But nada. I realize that dudes aren’t supposed to get all worked up over the Hallmark holiday, but men need love and attention, too. Am I crazy for her, or just plain crazy?

– Love Sick

Dear Don Juan,

Or is it Don Quixote? Either way, Valentine’s Day is Don and gone. Time for you to pick up the pieces of your shattered candy heart and prepare for the next big holiday. You need more amore? Pucker up for St. Patty’s Day – and remember that you can only get as good as you give. And if your wife still doesn’t share her heart ... well, maybe you need to ditch her for an octopus.

– I got you babe, Rachel