Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I recently had a couple celebra- tory beers with friends. Not enough to get drunk, let alone hung over, but I got sick as a dog on ipecac. I thought it was something I ate. Then this week, I popped open a brew to relax after work, and my tummy said “no way, Jose?.” I am terrified that I can’t drink a beer anymore. Is this what it means to get old? Say it ain’t so!

– Jose?

Dear Most Interesting Man,

You should know that your body changes as you age. You’ll start seeing hair in new and interesting places, like your shoulders and your earlobes. You’ll stop making excuses to avoid sex – you’ll just fall asleep early in your recliner. And, yes, your tummy will lose the ability to digest anything that brings you joy. With age comes good reason for beginning your sentences with “I don’t always drink beer.”

– Salud, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Two words: yoga pants. Color me converted. I used to think that people had no business going out of doors in those things. But a laundry crisis forced me into yoga trousers for the weekend, and I gotta say,

who needs drugs or alcohol or meditation? I found my nirvana. And now I’m this close to quitting my job, just so I don’t have to wear work pants. I might be hooked. Can you offer any help before I slide too far?

– Chasing the Dragon

Dear Yogi Bare-it-all,

I agree with you wholeheartedly that yoga pants are the clothing equivalent of Ben & Jerry’s. But people don’t lick their pint-sized cartons in public. No one wants to see that. And no one wants to see you in yoga pants. They’re hardly even flattering on Olympic volleyballers. So you have two options: stay at home until the neighbors report your corpse-stench, or rid yourself of the temptation with the cleansing spirit of fire.

– Burn, baby, burn, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

There’s a rule at the hot springs about not talking on your cell phone. I saw a gal get escorted out of the hot pot after staff wised up to her techno-rudeness. Then everyone in my corner of the pool spent (seriously) the next hour bitching about her. I discovered pretty quickly that talking about the girl on her cell phone is more annoying than the girl on her cell phone. But there’s no rule against that. How can I speak up without getting myself escorted out?

– In Hot Water

Dear Boiling Point,

You can always speak your truth. The mature way to handle the situation might be simply to say, with love and kindness, “Excuse me, but I’m having a difficult time relaxing with this conversation. Would you please change the topic?” But the more rewarding way to strike back would be to pee in the pool.

– Best served hot, Rachel