Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I swore up and down I would get my taxes done early this year. January, at least. Maybe February. By now it’s clear I’ll once again be late in asking for an extension for my late taxes. So here’s my question: with Lord Dampnut trimming every agency out of existence, what are the odds the IRS no longer exists this time next year?

- Taxed Out

Dear Taxman,

I consider myself a pretty “with it” kind of gal. But I had to use the Google to figure out what this Lord Dampnut is. And then I had to use the Google to remember what an anagram was, or an acronym, or an amalgam, or whatever you call that thing. At any rate, I think this Lord business is giving the former Republican presidential nominee too much credit. Same with thinking he will cut the IRS when there are still arts to be slashed.

– One for you, 19 for me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My coworker had a birthday party for her dog this weekend. First of all, she didn’t invite me, or my dog. So what if we’re pretty antisocial? Introverts need socialization too. And second of all, amidst my bitterness, I have to admit a doggie birthday party is a pretty cool idea. I wish I’d thought of it first, so that I could have been the one to not invite her and her dog. So how can I throw a bigger, better dog party of my own?

- Top Dog

Dear Alpha,

Depends. Is the party truly for your dog, or is it a spite party? Because if it’s for your dog, then exclusion is not the name of the game. Be the bigger bee-yatch and invite your coworker (and her dog) to your digs. If it’s a spite party, then having a bunch of puppies frolicking in the yard will really kill the ’venge-vibe. To do it right, you need to party with yourself. Wear black, write moody poetry about how parties are existentially meaningless, and leave euthanasia statistics on your coworker’s desk.

– That’ll show her, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

This is the first year I’m in charge of my kids for spring break. Problem is, every spring break of my own youth involved a lot of extracurricular recreations that I wouldn’t want my kiddos doing, even if they were out of elementary school. I love my children dearly, but I have honestly never spent nine straight days with

them, all day, every day. What activities can we do together that won’t chemically lower their IQs?

– Daddy Issues

Dear Spring Broken,

Here are some ideas. 1) Hire them out as tax preparers. 2) Hire them out as doggie party planners. 3) Is it normal to think of children solely as free labor in my ideas for money-making opportunities? 4) Who cares if it’s normal? Children are exempt from minimum wage standards and other anti-business big-government legislation. 5) When all else fails, ask your baby-mama for a bit of mother’s little helper.

– Things are different today, Rachel