Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why do they even make an all-caps key? Who uses this thing? If you work someplace like NASA, you can just hold down the shift key while typing four measly letters. And if you’re texting, you don’t even use punctuation, so you don’t care about capitalization. I really wish they’d free up the keyboard real estate by doing away with the whole thing. What do you think?

– Sincerely, Bust A Cap

Dear Cap’n,

You clearly have not been on Craigslist recently, or ever. Craigslist users put the “capital” in “capitalism.” In their quest for buying, selling, renting, and trading housing and other junk, these independent traders have determined that the clearest, most concise, and perhaps even most eloquent way to advertise is to use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS ALL THE TIME NO PUNCTUATION NEEDED THATS WHO USES THE CAPS LOCK KEY TYVM OH AND THIS INSIGHT IS FREE TO WHOMEVER HAULS IT AWAY YOURSELFS

– txt or email only NO SCAMMERS, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I started practicing yoga this year. I always feel good after leaving class, but I never felt as relaxed as I thought I should. Until recently, when I was deep into a Puppy Dog pose, and… how do I put this delicately… let’s say, Atmos broke a gas line on Main Ave. It was the deepest, most profound relief I have ever experienced. How can I get more of this intense joy without sending everyone else into Dead Bug or Corpse pose?

– Sincerely, Squeaky Yogi

Dear Bio Diesel,

Good lord, I hope you are referring to farting. If so, the good news here is that you are not alone! Everyone farts. EVERYONE. Just not in yoga class, because NO ONE wants to be the one who farts in yoga class. All those people who walk out with dozy grins on their faces, bragging about how zen they feel? Either they are lying to your face, or else they farted in it half an hour earlier. So I say, if truly letting go helps you find your personal nirvana, then simply let ’er rip whenever you can. Only you are responsible for your joy. And your classmates? As my own yoga teacher says: breathe through the pain.

– Namaste, Rachel

Dear Diver, er Rachel,

What happened to the diver? I missed a few weeks of the Tele, and I open it up to find this chick (you, I presume?) with a really dated hairstyle and clothes from the ’90s. Why should I trust anything you say?

– Skeptic

Dear Etch-a-Skeptic,

You should trust me BECAUSE I WRITE IN ALL CAPS. Actually, not really. Nor should you trust me because I’m printed in the newspaper. Newspapers have an entire corrections process in place for all the times they are caught with their pants on fire. So here’s my answer: you should not trust me. Anytime someone says “Trust me!” or “I am not a crook!” or “Sure, Rachel, I’ll give you 20 bucks for answering my question,” they turn out to be dishonest. But if you give me a chance, you may find out all on your own that I am truly and honestly full of it.

– Read my lips, Rachel