Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Can you explain to me the difference between graffiti and art? I was raised to believe that graffiti is anything painted on a wall besides, you know, wall paint. But kids these days tell me how wrong I am. That graffiti is actually art. Like, it sells for millions of dollars and hangs in galleries and has “cultural significance.” But that sounds establishment to me, and I thought graffiti was all about breaking rules. Now I don’t know what to think.

- Paint Fume

Dear Critic,

What is “art,” exactly? That’s the million dollar question. If you can pin that down, then OK, you won’t win a million dollars. You will, however, have your essay cited in a record number of academic articles. Yay? In the meantime, here’s my rule of thumb: ignore labels and focus on what a creative work makes you feel or think. Engage it on those merits. Unless it’s just a cartoonish penis. Then it’s just lazy. BTW, it’s called “street art.”

– Rachel Was Here

Dear Rachel,

I write for the Tele too, so we’re basically besties. I have a pre-question for you before I write you my real question. I’d like to send you a “Dear Rachel” letter promoting my participation in Dancing with the Durango Stars. (May 6 at the Strater! I’d love it if you came!) What are the ethics of shameless self-promotion in your advice column?

– Cheers, Hack Zively

Dear Opaque Pseudonym,

Too bad, so sad, no such thing as premature epistolation. You get one shot with this gal. And of course I cannot ethically allow you to promote your participation in Dancing with the Durango Stars in this space. It’s a conflict of interest for me to mention that tickets are now on sale at the Strater box office and website. It’s probably nepotistic to announce that all funds raised go to support local families. And I’d be spilling the beans if I said that I, myself, will be at the show to cheer on my bestie. So nut up and ask the editor for your own damned column.

– Kick off the Sunday shoes, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It’s the time of year when local businesses randomly shut their doors and bar their windows because they’re “out on the river,” etc. That might be a perk of running your own business. But I, for one, refuse to go back to a store that chooses “a day on the water” over my patronage. Hire an employee for those days. Or, shoot, get a shop dog and leave out a donation jar. What do you think?

– Gone Fishing

Dear One-Star Review,

Let me guess. You’re the kind of person who thinks an eight percent tip is generous. You’re the kind of person who browses bookstores but orders on Amazon. You’re the kind of person who – let’s be perfectly blunt here – scribbles cartoonish penises and calls it art. Sounds to me like you’d benefit from a day on the river yourself. Trust me: you’ll either get your life priorities straight, or you’ll drown trying.

– Be back in 10, Rachel