Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My niece is graduating from Fort Lewis this weekend. Yay! I’m super proud of her and I want to support her. But I also really, really, really hate crowds. And boring speeches. And it’s April, so the weather might suck. Do I really have to go to the actual ceremony to be supportive? Or can I take her out for a beer after and call it good?

– Absentee Aunt

Dear Aunt-hole,

There’s some things we all do for family, just because you don’t want to be the family member who ruined Christmas (or graduation). Your niece may not ever remember that you sat through her ceremony. But she WILL remember that you chose Saturday morning cartoons over her biggest academic accomplishment to date. So go. Or at least show up for the photo ops afterward.

– Take a book, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m living with roommates for the first time since I was 20. (And I am now closer to 40 than 20.) I know us

guys have a reputation for being filthy pigs, but I kind of expected a certain standard of living. Boy, was I wrong. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even want to touch the bathroom with rubber gloves and Comet. But a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do. So how do I do, if you know what I mean?

– Clenched

Dear Back Log,

My first reaction is to say, move out. But I’ve played the Durango edition of Monopoly, where every square is Boardwalk. So I hear your pain, even if I don’t feel it. But because you live here, you must have three or four jobs, which are required to provide you access to restrooms. What’s better than getting paid to, you know, do your job? But if cleanliness is the issue, may I recommend the Durango Welcome Center. It offers the finest welcomes in town.

– Flush twice, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have principles. I am committed to working for a sustainable society and a healthy planet. But... I also have to eat, and it’s kinda tough to get a job around here. It’s gotten to the point where I’m considering applying at a certain coffee shop that rhymes with Warbucks. I’d have to set aside some of my ethics regarding GMO crops and best farming practices and corporate shenanigans. On the other hand, paychecks. Got advice?

– Venti Broke

Dear Half-Caf No Dough,

I advise that you shift your paradigm. You’re not a wage slave to the Seattle over-lords – you are a rogue agent, working inside the belly of the beast. Only you can discover what foul schemes are submerged under those cute foamed-milk drawings. But apply soon. With Fort Lewis graduation this week, everyone will be applying there by Monday.

– A double shot of stickin’ it to the man, Rachel