Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Recently several friends of mine went on a trip to Reno. One of my friends got food poisoning at every stop along the way, and another friend went a little overboard on the Red Bull. But the real problem was the hotel they stayed at. The entire place was tastefully decorated in navy shag carpet and black stains, and was mainly populated by meth heads and the occasional divorcee. Needless to say, after being told many a great tale of the trip, I developed a rare condition known as Hotel PTSD. How do I now get over this debilitating new fear of hotels?

– Bedbug Masta

Dear Valued Guest,

If you’re only just now developing Hotel PTSD, then you have not really thought hard about the hotels you’ve stayed in. You think you get a fresh mattress with every stay? You really trust the attention to detail of someone cleaning 100 bathtubs a day? You think the carpets spill their secrets? The whole industry is built on hiding the stains. Your friends may have found the most honest lodgings in the country.

– Don’t let ’em bite, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So lately I feel like all my fun friends have quit drinking for various reasons, like they’re doing a “cleanse” or bootcamp, they have to work early, or they’re just getting old and boring. Does this mean, I, too, will be getting old and boring soon? Or do I just need to find new friends?

– Drinking Alone

Dear Lonesome Dove,

Soon? Hate to tell you, bub, but drinking alone makes you boring. Drunks are only fun when you’re drunk together. As for finding new friends – wholly agree. Friends on cleanses are no friends at all. But start off sober. Then you can all put that first sheet to the wind together.

– And the bottle makes three, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So, I recently moved into a house with some other folks, and the land-lord is kind of creeping us out. She has way too much time on her hands and is always hanging around like she wants to be our friend. The other day, I caught her trolling down the alley and often, I spot her car parked across the street like she is spying on us. Isn’t this violating some sort of boundary? How do we put a stop to this without having a “married white landlord” on our hands?

– No I Won’t Be Your Friend 

Dear Scram,

Try to have some sympathy. Perhaps your MWL’s friends all went on bootcamp cleanses, and now she has no one else to drink with. Maybe she has Hotel PTSD and can no longer spend time alone in a building. Or maybe she just thinks you are really cool – yeah, never mind, she sounds like a total creeper. Your best option is to alienate her. Do things that are so youthful and hip that she can’t keep up. Things like hashtagging, or snapchatting, or beat boxing.

– Boots and cats, Rachel