Ask Rachel

Rachel,

Since moving to Durango to attend college at the Fort, all of the women I’ve dated have been much older than I, and are mostly widows and/or divorcees. I know the mutual interest is based on an appreciation for one another’s maturity/vulnerability levels, but how might I dumb myself down so I can make love to the Coloradan-college-babes my age? You know... the ones that speak in memes with words like “lit” and “fam.”

– MILF Hunter, FLC Class of 2019

Dear Croco-MILF Dundee,

Let me tell you something: college babes ain’t all you want them to be. Sure, they’re firm in fun places, and maybe they even want to try a threesome ... you know, as part of “discovering themselves.” But even the ones who know a thing or two don’t know more than that – and those widows and/or divorcees a) know what they like, and b) aren’t getting it. But you still want to land a college chick? And you think dumbing yourself

down is the way to go? Yeah, sure. Good luck with that.

-Some like it smart, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why is it that some people just assume that every dog they encounter on the street or trail wants to interact with their hyper, spastic dog? I don’t care if he’s “nice” or “super friendly,” some people and their dogs just want to walk in peace and mind their own business. And then when you inform them of this, they get all butt hurt because you’re not enamored with their cheesy doodle. WTF?

– Off the Leash

Dear Unleashed,

You want people (and dogs) to leave you alone, huh? Here’s what you do. When people holler after their dog, “Don’t worry, he’s super friendly!” you shout back, “I’m not.”

– Chew on that, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I live on West 2nd Avenue, and I’m sick and tired of all the overflow traffic from the construction on North Main. I have to wait 10 minutes just to get out of my driveway at times. It’s horrendous! But I just moved here recently, so I don’t know a world without construction on Main. Tell it to me straight, Rachel: will it get better? Or am I doomed to wait in rush-hour purgatory forever?

– Grid Locked

Dear Stuck,

I really do want to answer your question. But I have to return to MILF Hunter with some late-breaking updates. You see, the 75-to 90-year-old participants in that seniorscent study were judged to have more pleasant underarm odor than young and middle-aged adults. And I take umbrage with the words “more pleasant underarm odor.” Having ridden a European bus in summer, I can understand the concept of “less unpleasant underarm odor,” which is anywhere outside that bus. But actually ranking them on a scale of “pleasant” rubs me the wrong way. Kind of like you with construction traffic.

– Two lanes to merge point, Rachel