Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve got a major pet peeve. It’s rock cairns. Especially rock cairns that serve no apparent navigational purpose but instead are stacked lamely along a well-traveled trail with no forks or false leads or any possible means of sending a hiker into the wild oblivion. They do nothing but detract from the natural aesthetics and sense of solitude I sought to enjoy in the first place. Just last week while rounding the first switchback on Dalla Mountain Trail, there again was another pitiful rock cairn just begging to be knocked over. But as I prepared to heave the last rock, some chick busted me and accused me of being rude and inconsiderate. Can you believe that?

– Ain’t No Rock Hound

Dear Nuttin but a Hound Dog,

Don’t you know that stacked rocks are the icon of shopping local? When someone erects a cairn on an already clear trail, they’re telling you, “Hey, my trail mix is sourced from local trail mix farms, and my shoes are made from blown-out Horse Gulch tires. You should shop like me!” Shame on you, Rock Hound, for not thinking more capitalistically when you enter nature to get away from it all.

– Leave no trace, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I don’t know the best way to handle dinner time with my new roommate. Since we are adults, I tend to think we should make our own dinners, at our own dinner times. My roommate thinks every meal should involve a special trip to City Market, an hour and a half cooking together, finally eating at 10 o’clock, and then sitting around chewing the cud til we doze off in the living room. How can I say “bugger off” without disturbing the domestic peace?

– Dinner for One

Dear Dining Alone,

Have you thought about prefacing “Bugger off” with “Don’t take this the wrong way,” or “I mean this as a good thing?” That tends to diffuse hard feelings in any touchy social situation. Or, you could ditch tact and just go for honesty. Throw up some personal boundaries – which, unlike walls – really do work.

– Piss off, in a good way, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

The last time I played the dating game, smartphones weren’t common, and I’d never heard of an app. I need some help on the modern etiquette. If a girl I just met follows me on Instagram, is that the same as swapping digits? When is a “like” just a “like,” and when is it “I like you?” When do you move from emojis to a walk on the river trail?

– New Follower

Dear E-Noobie,

Here’s the one hard and fast rule to iDating: if you are a dude, do not, not, not, use emojis. Ever. Even if she does. Even if you really are smiling, or you really are giving a thumbs up. Just don’t. And avoid exclamation points. They sound like a good idea at the time, but go reread your old messages. Exclamation points make you sound like a teen-age girl mixed with a Yorkshire terrier. Otherwise, just be yourself! <3

– You have a new match, Rachel