Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

There’s a friend I see when she visits Durango. She likes to think that she’s full of inappropriate jokes and dirty wit. In fact, she never stops talking about how sick and twisted she is. But to me, her naughtiest innuendos are like a Sunday in church. I heard more entendre in my high school trigonometry class, and that wasn’t even a teacher I slept with. Can I unleash my truly dirty mind on her? Or do I need to let her keep her fantasy?

– Full of In-Your-End-O

Dear Penthouse,

You’ll never believe what happened to me when my friend came for her annual visit to town. She started making passes at me, the thinly veiled sexuality lurking behind her nervous giggles. Her innuendo was subpar, so even though I could have had my way with her, I left her alone, because we are all allowed our own levels of naughtiness and no one is right or wrong. Thanks for letting me share this morality tale, Penthouse. Keep up your high standards.

– To each her own, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m an inveterate name forgetter. Doesn’t matter if I met you in fifth grade or five minutes ago, my guesses are never anywhere close. I’ve tried all the word-association tricks and repeating the name back to the person. It’s getting bad, and my new job requires me to know plenty of names. I’ve given up on learning them. I just need a great way to excuse away my ineptitude. Please, Stephanie, can you give me any tactful and/or humorous strategies?

– Anonymous

Dear Ol’ Wassername,

Have you tried picturing them in their underwear? I hope not, because that wouldn’t help with your quandary at all. Honestly, unless you’re seeing these people in their actual underwear (which is possible; you didn’t state what your new job is, exactly), you don’t really need to know their names. Just give them a hearty greeting and stick to pronouns.

– Thanks, buckaroo, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My roommate keeps stealing my food. When I moved in not too long ago, we set up our basic ground rules, such as who gets which cabinets, how long til dishes need to be washed ... and that we wouldn’t take each other’s food without asking. All the time he’s asking forgiveness instead – “oh hey, I used your olives and took three eggs, hope that’s OK.” I’m ready to stand up to him, but first, I want to know if I’m overreacting. Should I just let this pilfering slide?

– Old Mother Hubbard

Dear Fruitless,

Hell no, you’re not overreacting! If someone tried to snitch my olives, they’d be retracting bloody stumps. Touch my eggs, and you’ll find some cracked under your bedsheets. (Down where your toes go, too.) Creatures in the animal kingdom murder each other over lesser food squabbles. But I wouldn’t start there. Go the route of a civil conversation, or else lace your jars with E. coli.

– The poor dog had none, Rachel