Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I like your advice column, but I notice that your advice is a little... tame. There’s really no sex advice. I’d like more of that. The only other sex advice columnist in the area isn’t even in the area, and I savagely refuse to read him. Can you please offer us more kink and liberation in your otherwise brilliant answers?

– Unsafe Words

Dear Triple-X,

I can only mold the clay I’m given. Or, how can I put that more sensually for you? I can only... lick... the skin I’m given? You know what I’m saying. I can only answer the questions I get. And I am clearly neither the most sensuous nor the most liberated gal at the Telegraph. I won’t name names, but you could try visiting the office and calling everyone “mistress” until you find your flavor.

– Hippopotamus, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My friend is moving away from Durango very soon. In my experience, the usual send-off involves lots of drinking out, drudging up of old inside jokes, crying, hollow promises of keeping in touch, and then canceling plans last minute to finish throwing stuff in the back of a Uhaul. I want to do better than that. What ideas do you have for giving him the best send-off ever, Durango-style?

– T-Minus 10 Days

Dear Houston,

Lots of drinking out sounds like the perfect Durango-style send-off. But I get your desire to do something different. Something memorable. The question is, are you happy to see your friend go? Then don’t plan anything so good that it’ll change his mind. Or do you want to build one last memory together? Then go get lost in the mountains. Like, seriously lost – lure him off the trail, far from cell reception. The worst that happens is you die together, like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Or Thelma and Louise. Whichever is more your style.

– Hit the road Jack, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

While starting a campfire with a stack of Telegraphs, I read the headline about Lainie Maxson’s Citizens Police Academy experience. I don’t know what a citizens police academy does, but I always figured it meant teaching people to arrest other people, with lots of Police Academy-style jokes. What I need to know is, can I arrest my neighbor’s kid for scamming me? I paid her 10 bucks to mow my lawn, but she didn’t pick up the trimmings.

– Reasonable Suspicion

Dear Shady Suspect,

Please exercise your right to remain silent. At $10 a lawn, the neighbor kid cannot possibly invest in a quality lawn mower. So my guess is she’s pushing an employer-provided machine. Pony up and get a model with the grass bag, you stingy old grass bag. And then go online to read Lainie’s story in the Tele back catalogue. She doesn’t talk about arresting anybody, but I still suspect she’s handy with hand-cuffs.

– Using your words against you, Rachel