Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Where are all the fast food restaurants going? First Dairy Queen and now KFC. The entire culture in the North of town is falling apart! We still have Taco Bell and Subway, but they can’t be long for this world either. When midnight rolls around I need a good one stop grease shack to sate my irrepressible CAFO hangerings. What can I possibly eat now that these bastions of the deep fryer are slipping down the gullet of gentrification?

– Grease Burned

Dear Gordito Grande,

I’ve heard gentrification catching a lot of flack for putting ma-and-pa stores out of business so that hipsters have one more place to shop for bacon-flavored boat shoes. But, erm, I don’t think losing KFC counts. In fact, I pray to Nacho Libre every day that the Taco Bell will suddenly be replaced by a Trader Joe’s. Then you could eat all the late-night Swedish fish you want, and I could avoid fiery diarrhea.

– Salud, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Last week I went on a date with David Attenborough. At first it was great, he was more than courteous, and even brought flowers! But at

dinner things got bad. He narrated everything that happened. Mansplaining is annoying enough, but being told how you’re masticating is a whole other level of impossible. I feel like he’d be the one for me if he just left his work in the savanna, how can I get past his chronic chronicles?

- Wildlife Specialist

Dear Attenborough’s Passion Project,

I recommend you test drive any car before you buy it. Same goes for dating David Attenborough – you’ve got to hit the hay with him. He has so much experience narrating mating rituals and I think that his smooth tones may really heighten the experience. If so, that’ll overcome your trepidation. And if not, then you can cancel the show, effective immediately.

– Move in for the kill, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My daughter came home today with some very discouraging news. Apparently the schools are telling kids that narwhals are real animals. Can you believe it? There is no way that a tube of blubber with a unicorn erection sticking out of its head is real. What will they teach them next, that the American possum is spelled with an “o?” I don’t think so! Just another media conspiracy. Do you have any ideas on how I can break the news to her easily? Our family still has scars from ripping off the whole chocolate-milk-comes-from-brown-cows-not-cocoa-powder Band-Aid.

– This Is Why There Are Home Schools

Dear Nuke the Narwhals,

Thank! You! for speaking truth. There’s all kinds of disinformation cropping up in schools these days. I mean, you can’t teach intelligent design AND narwhals. My God wouldn’t create such abominations. And my God doesn’t believe in namby pamby news-breaking either. You have to be direct with your daughter. Shatter the news over her head, and while you’re at it, destroy her misconception that Taco Bell is food.

– I am not your father, Rachel