Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So I tend to be a nonviolent person. I do not own guns, and I am generally anti-gun except for use in hunting. But the other night, my neighbor decided to fly his stupid toy drone over our back yard while we were trying to enjoy a peaceful family dinner. Suddenly, I wished I had a gun to shoot that thing down. My question: 1) is it OK for me to shoot down a drone that is flying over my house and invading my privacy? 2) What kind of gun would you recommend?

– Annie Oakley

Dear Deadeye Dickita,

It is certainly not alright for you to shoot down a flying drone. How would you feel if your shot went errant and that bullet killed a bystander? I recommend you turn the other cheek. Invite the drone to dinner. Offer it a seat. And once it lands in its chair, you can blast it under the table like it’s Greedo collecting a bounty. A DL- 44 heavy blaster pistol ought to do the trick nicely.

– Han shot first, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I had never been to Farmington. When I’m desperate to go to Target, I just drive to Albuquerque. For the way people talk about Farmington, I always assumed it was a drug ghetto mixed with a junkyard with a dash of murder for flavor. I went this weekend, though, and I actually had fun! Did I just get the Disney version, or is it really not such a bad place after all?

- A-Plus for F-Town

Dear Innocent Abroad,

I adore Durango. So I say this with love in my heart: Durangotans have a massive inferiority/superiority complex. We come to Durango because it is remote, and it’s not chock-a-block full of box stores. That’s our image. Then we slink off to Farmington and Albuquerque like a preacher visiting the whorehouse, and then we feel guilty, so we bash these places like a soggy pin?ata. All this to say, you can love whatever places you want.

– Just don’t walk alone at night, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We recently got a new intern at my job. In essence, I was led to believe the intern would handle all the difficult portions of my job, leaving me to answer his questions and otherwise spend my time in “continuing education” (by which I mean “reading webcomics”). Sadly, my coworkers got their teeth into the intern, and he’s now doing all their work and not mine. How can I win back my wage-slave without having to work hard at it?

– All Work and No Play

Dear Dull Boy,

If memory serves, “drones” are the name for worker bees. What you want is a worker bee for an intern, not an actual human being. So I recommend you get an actual drone, which you can control from your desk to make copies, bring you coffee, attend meetings, yada yada. Just make sure you don’t fly it over your neighbor’s cubicle, lest she shoot down your brilliant ingenuity.

– Um yeah, that’d be great, Rachel