Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As you may have heard, Sean Spicer, Trump’s beleaguered lap dog, ran away from home last week. Now I know it’s obvious that his previous owner doesn’t want him, but that doesn’t mean someone shouldn’t help him. So do you have any ideas about who could take him in? Anything at all would help this poorly abused and lost pet.

– Opt to Adopt

Dear Adoptathon,

No doubt, Old Spice would do well in a stable environment where he understands what’s expected of him. Sit means sit every day, and no one asks questions tougher than “Do you want to go for a walk? Do you?” There’s just one snag: Spicer is a human being, despite his association with the administration, and we don’t own human beings anymore. So his best bet might be to learn climate science and move to France.

– Who rescued who? Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My son just got home from college and he keeps drinking this weird kombucha drug. The only reason someone would choke that stuff down is for some seriously wicked trip. I know we legalized the taking of marijuanas, but when the heck did we say this kombucha stuff was OK? I did my share of drugs when I was a kid, those candy cigarettes were wicked let me tell ya, but how do I save my son without seeming like a narc?

- Just Say No

Dear Dad Against Repulsive Experiences, Here’s what my dad never did to me, but I recommend you do: Buy your (adult) kid a six-pack of kombucha and tell him he has to drink the whole thing in one sitting. Word is, he’ll get so detoxed that he can’t stand to sit still anymore. He’ll feel awake and vibrant, and he’ll have improved digestion to boot. Do this soon, because taking the kombuchas is just a gateway to other disasters like yoga and hemp clothing.

– Or just tell him pot is cheaper, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Last night I threw a stick for some random dog. It was a onetime deal, but I’m worried my Fido won’t understand. And it’s not just that. Stick throws with Fido haven’t been as good as when we first started out together. Now I feel like we’re going through the motions. With this new dog it was just like it used to be with Fido, and I felt alive again. Where do I go from here? Can I even tell Fido? Should I call that mystery dog back for another toss of the stick?

– Hounded by Guilt

Dear Fuzzy Logic,

Just be open with your pet. You never know, maybe Fido’s into that sort of thing. He may even want to watch you throw sticks with fetching strangers. Maybe he’ll get in on the action and remind you why you loved playing with him in the first place. Just remember, if you don’t make your needs and expectations clear, Fido may have no choice but to learn climate science and move to France.

– How’s that for new tricks? Rachel