Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I thought I didn’t care about the eclipse, but now that it’s imminent, I’m getting crazy excited. I know we don’t tend to do blood rites or virgin sacrifices anymore, so what is the 21st century equivalent for celebrating this supernatural phenomenon? Naked dances? Bacchanalia? Maybe cookies iced like partial eclipses?

– Howling at the Moon

Dear Lunatic,

Cookies? And miss the opportunity for mooncakes? Ah well – all your opportunities are missed by now. The boat up Moon River sailed without you this time. The best way I can think of to celebrate at this point is to buy up everyone’s eclipse glasses at a quarter a pop, hoard them in your crawlspace, set a Google Calendar reminder for a month before the next solar eclipse, and then resell them at a ridiculous markup. I’m talking, like, 50 cents a pop.

– Moon this, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Did you know that the park ranger fascists can ticket you for leaving camping gear outside? Yeah, I didn’t know that either, until I was slapped with an $80 ticket for leaving a cooler and candles on a picnic table at Mesa Verde. There’s a “No Tolerance” policy there, which sounds about right: I have no tolrance for this big government crap. I’m never going back again. Can you help me spearhead a boycott of the national parks until they remember we’re the Land of the Free?

– Dawn of a New Era

Dear Losing your Cool(er),

Hell no! I support any federal agency that supports itself on fining cranks like you. In fact, I think more places (cough, Durango, cough) ought to fine people for leaving bear bait unattended and accessible. The more bears are lured into human areas, the more my dog wakes me up in the night barking at them. So I’m happy that Mesa Verde is now $80 more Trump-resistant thanks to your senselessness.

– Leave no trace, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

How’s this for an unlikely coincidence? Michael Jackson perfected the moonwalk. He also performed “Billie Jean,” which Chris Cornell covered. The same Chris Cornell who sang “Black Hole Sun” AND “Moonchild.” I put all this together in the same week as everyone went moon-crazy for the eclipse. There’s just one piece missing, and I hope you can help me out: where do the Illuminati factor into it all?

– Cosmic Conspiracy

Dear Lunatic II,

I can’t answer directly, because you DO NOT CALL OUT THE ILLUMINATI IN A PUBLIC FORUM. Didn’t they teach you anything in homeschool? But I can share the best journalistic rule I ever learned, which is: follow the money. Start infiltrating the eclipse glasses resale market, and you’re bound to find yourself entwined in a mystery of international intrigue, Bond girls and cloaked masterminds. Or you’ll find yourself in a pile of stale mooncakes. Either way.

– Say green cheese, Rachel