Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So my husband is barely 50, and AARP is already hounding us with junk mail. Every day I go to the mail-box, there is some other brochure, AARP credit card offer, or AARP magazine. I know old people don’t have enough to do, but this is basically stalking. Plus, shouldn’t they be saving their money for their old age instead of spending it on crap that I just throw into the recycling?

– Not Dead Yet

Dear Current Resident,

Junk mail is in the eye of the recipient. Sounds to me like you’re getting in on the ground floor of a lifetime of one-time offers, low members-only rates, and quality toilet reading. Plus, if you’re not already a Retired Person, that’s in the name. Time to take your stacks of mail-order opportunities to the office as your resignation notice. Also time to trade in your pride for white sneakers and the eternal availability of 4 p.m. reservations.

– Postage paid, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I know the bubbly water La Croix is all the rage these days. But will someone once and for all please settle how it’s pronounced? Most folks just say “la croy” (rhymes with “roy.”) But every now and then you get a wannabe Francophile who decides it is pronounced “la kwah.” This of course creates confusion all around, when everyone else either thinks a) they just sneezed; or b) they are choking on an unidentified object. Please, Rachel, I don’t want to Heimlich someone who is merely thirsty.

– Water Girl

Dear Aquawoman,

The real question is, why are you Water Girl and not Water Woman? This got me thinking about superheroines and how there’s always more girls than women – Bat-girl; Supergirl; Aquagirl; Elastigirl; Merry, Girl of 1000 Gimmicks. So I Wikied it, and it turns out there actually are Batwomen and Superwomen and Aquawomen. There’s also a Negative Woman, and I feel like I ought to be offended. But you asked me a question, and the answer is “luh crucks.”

– Power up, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So, it appears that modern school kids are totally out of touch with traditional, shall we say, rites of passage. I was recently horrified to find out they know not of swirlies or wedgies. This is a calamity! How else are high school freshmen going to know of their place in the social pecking order without a friendly flush or violent tug of the nether regions? Back in my day, everyone got wedgies, and no one got medals! And we turned out just fine.

– Not Wet Behind the Ears

Dear Uphill Both Ways,

You lost credibility when you used the phrase “back in my day.” First of all, unless you’re dead, this is still your day. Second of all, your day sounds horrible. Third of all, saying “back in my day” makes you sound old enough to receive whatever Nambe? AARP hands out for your 20-year membership anniversary. Fourth of all, I imagine the other folks in the home give you regular wedgies with your overloaded Depends.

– Say when, Rachel