Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Rachel, she'll be there for you. Email her at telegraph@ durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

So at first this whole Donald Trump thing was hilarious, then ridiculous, and then mildly amusing. Well, now that it’s swung back to villainous and disgusting, it’s not funny anymore. In fact, it’s down-right terrifying. Please, Rachel, tell me it’s all just a cruel, sick joke being played on the American public and I’ll wake up Nov. 9 and it will all have been a bad dream.

– Sincerely, Not Laughing

Dear NLOL,

It’s all just a cruel, sick joke being played on the American public and you’ll wake up on Nov. 9 and it will all have been a bad dream. There. Feel better? I didn’t think so. Now that I gave you what you want, let me give you what you need. There is a non- zero chance that Donald Trump will be the next (and/or last) president of the United States of America. Plenty of people think that would spell the end of the human race. But I don’t think so. I think we humans can evolve to survive in a post-reality world, where existence is whatever our cheeto-dusted leader says it is. You just have to learn to blend in. But how?

– Watch and learn, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

Why doesn’t somebody do something? Somebody should do something, shouldn’t they?

– The Book Guy

Dear Bookie,

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yes. Somebody should be doing something, and I – you look at everything going on in this country today, this country right here, with its freedoms, and it’s not just the media, it’s the teachers and the immigrants who do it, and I think, we were the first people on the moon. I have people tell me that was fake. Let me tell you, I know for a fact, I work in Holly- wood, alright? And I have never seen anything there. Not once. And I’ve seen some things. I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe. The best things. Some of them fake even, fake or real, doesn’t matter. I walk into a room, and the best things just hap- pen right in front of me. I can’t explain it. But then you – I can’t say details – but ISIS is a problem, and I am the one who can beat them off. It’s just horrible. Horrible I tell you.

– That’s how you do it, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

In a lot of political rhetoric, you always hear about “freedoms,” as in plural. But isn’t freedom a collective noun, you know like rain, pants or sheep, where the singular and plu- ral versions are the same? Or did I miss the freedoms memo?

– Freedoms Fighter

Dear Pluralist,

Pull up a comfy chair. It’s storytime. Ready? Once upon a time, I would persuade my little sister to do chores for me in exchange for money. My sister was neither a born capitalist nor a born arithmetician. “Yo sis,” I’d say. “If you do dishes for me, I can either give you this one lousy dollar bill, or I can give you 20 shiny new pennies. Which is more?” For the longest time, she chose the pennies. Every time. The plural form convinced her that she was getting more, no matter how hard she was choosing against her own best interests. And I laughed all the way to the piggy bank. Then one day, she grew wise to the scheme. The illusion died, and my absolute power dissipated absolutely.

– You do the math, Rachel

 

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