Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We all know that stores start selling holiday wares earlier and earlier. I think I saw the first pumpkin-themed merch right around St. Patrick’s Day this year. But how early is acceptably early to start decorating personal property for any of the major autumn/winter festivities? I ask because my domestic partner has already started putting up orange Halloween lights. That just feels as wrong as dressing up cats in costumes. But I don’t have a reasoned counterargument. Help?

– Nothing’s Sacred

Dear Hallowoopsie,

There are two holidays appropriate for tricking out your house: Halloween, and Winter Halloween, which is my new non-denominational way of lumping together every December holiday. Think about it: carolers are nothing but trick-or-treaters, and a fat magician coming down the chimney is downright spooky. In any case, it’s too early. Make your life spouse wait til Oct. 1, or else start swapping your intimate treats for intimate tricks.

– Boo, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

School started, and as usual I don’t have any of the coolest clothes. Whatever, I’m used to dressing like a JC Penney catalog by now. But I can’t figure out what the “in” fashions even are this year. How am I supposed to make fun of the cool clothes (ironically, of course) if there’s not some stupid new fashion sweeping the campus?

– Project Runway

Dear Tim Gunn,

Durango has long been a stagnant tidal pool of fashion. What is hip and happenin’ in LA and NYC, Paris and London, will only wash up in Durango 15, 30 years after the fact – if at all. Wemay finally have hit the point where the concept of “fashion” has dried up, leaving us all to dress in whatever clothes come out of our Snowdown steamer trunks. Either that, or the fashion elite have themselves gone ironic and you’re participating in a postmodern fashion wasteland. I’m going with the former.

– Long live fashion, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have not dated since moving to Durango. All my life, I’ve lived in ... well, not large cities, but places large enough to have a real airport and a real mall. (Sorry, DRO.) I recently jumped back in the pool, and what I’m quickly discovering is that everyone knows everyone else. If I’m talking with two women, they inevitably know each other! How am I supposed to give each relationship an honest try when it’s going to ripple into every other relationship I ever have in this place?

– No Elbow Room

Dear Claustrophobic,

There’s two ways to date in Durango: succumb to swingerhood – hey, might as well be open about sleeping with everyone else! – or commit to a life of filling a garage with his-n-hers outdoor equipment with the very first person you date. Actually, there’s a third way, which I endorse: go adopt a dog from the Humane Society. Just, whatever you do, please, please, please do not dress the dog up in costume until after Oct. 1. Or ever.

– Attaboy, Rachel