Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

There’s that old rule about not wearing white after Labor Day. Why on earth is that a thing? And if there’s a color for winter, aside from the deep darkness of seasonal affective disorder, it’s white. White as snow. White as Santa’s beard. White as my Nordic behind. Even if “don’t wear white” is a rule, it can’t apply to Durango fashion, can it?

– White Supremacy

Dear Duds,

Dang. You asked a good question. I was totally on board the Year-Round-White-Clothes train. Then you had to go and sign off your letter like an idiot. Either you have really poor judgment in what makes a good pseudonym, you’re completely oblivious to the broader context of that phrase, or you are looking for a covert endorsement for your Klan chapter. So treading carefully here, I’ll say... Durango fashion is accepting of most anything you want to wear, so long as we can see your smiling face. In your case, though, may I recommend tie dye?

– Embrace the rainbow, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Buying bite-sized candies helps me manage my sugar intake. But if I buy the king-size candy bars, I’m producing less garbage because the wrapper-to-chocolate ratio is much more environmentally friendly. I feel like I’m stuck in a serious moral quandary here. Do you think it is more important for me to care for the environment, or for my waistline?

– Life Savers

Dear Air Head,

There’s only one answer here that is 100 percent clear-cut. No gray area, no fuzzy compromised morals. And that’s to avoid all products containing milk chocolate. Get rid of anything containing that abominable desecration of perfectly acceptable cacao – flushing it down the toilet is not only apropos, it also keeps that junk out of landfills. Then eat only dark chocolate. You’ll feel so damned happy that you won’t worry about your waistline or the environment. That’s how you can make the world a happier place.

– Once you go dark, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I would really like to step outside of the capitalist dogma seizing our nation in its slavering jowls without sounding like a Communist. Pulling this off is trickier than you think. How do you recommend I start?

– More Lennon than Lenin

Dear Dreamer,

Well, step one is not to be a goddamned Communist. You’re not a goddamned Communist, are you, Lennon? No? Good. Step two is not to use phrases that sound Communist, like “the slavering jowls of capitalism” or “Karl Marx is my homeboy.” Step three is to build a home off the grid, swear off the use of money, develop a bartering system and build a community – NOT a commune! – of like-minded individuals. Step four is to replace your olive drab clothing. May I recommend a nice shade of seashell?

– Hail comrade, Rachel