Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

I work with a guy who takes up more than his share of space. He does things like barrel down the middle of the stairwell even when other people are climbing up the steps, and he’ll kick his feet up on a chair even when the meeting room is fully occupied so someone else has to pull a chair from the other room. So it’s not like he’s just a big guy. But is he a big bully, or just a big sack of obliviousness?

– Space Saver

Dear Bite Size,

I worked with a guy like this once. When I got sick and tired of his bullcrap, and I didn’t want to take it anymore. I went into a meeting with a handful of my Halloween candy. I stared at him and unwrapped a piece real noisy until he looked at me. Then I didn’t stop staring, and I didn’t stop unwrapping. I basically gorilla-stared him into breaking first. I can’t say it stopped his behaviors, but it sure made me the alpha ape.

– Chest thumps, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

It looks like Fort Lewis is hiring a new president. As far as I can tell, college presidents don’t actually do anything critical – they get paid more than teachers for showing up for photo ops and making all the other administrators do all the heavy lifting. I think I’m uniquely qualified for this line of work. But my resume is, shall we say, lacking in relevant experience. How can I boost my credentials to up my chances?

– Born2BePrez

Dear Tenure Track,

Oh man. I went to college once, and I found out that the whole point of academia is to obfuscate and overcomplicate everything you say. So in light of this zeitgeist, and bearing in mind the concomitant realities manifested in the contemporary corporatization of higher education institutions (collegiate and otherwise) (Zweibel et al., 1987a), the most cognizant (if underappreciated) methodology here may be to turn to the reapplication of your actually realized skills, talents, experience, expertise and credentification to another mode of labor (Rachel, 2017).

– Cite your sources, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I am a strange millennial. I prefer phone calls, like real phone-to-ear, use-your-voice phone calls, over FaceTime. The reason is that on a phone call, I can still multitask the shit out of my day without getting busted for not paying attention. So long as I’m quiet, I can clean the bathroom or pick my nose. Hell, it’s the only way I’ll make time to talk to my own mother. So how do I decline FaceTime requests and bump people to phone calls without giving myself away?

– Talk To The Ear

Dear Old Person,

Are you sure you’re a millennial? Because every millennial I know prefers texting to pretty much anything else, including sex. I can’t help you decline FaceTime requests. But I do recommend trying the old ape-stare until no one wants to FaceTime you anymore.

– I’m looking through you, Rachel 

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