Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I like fall as much as the next person. But what is the deal with pumpkin spice? It’s in effing everything these days, from like August to February. It’s one thing when it’s coffee for wusses who can’t drink real coffee. But do we need pumpkin spice sausages? Pumpkin spice massages? And is there even pumpkin in pumpkin spice, or is it just cinnamon and nutmeg?

– Smash the Pumpkins

Dear Jacked-Up Lantern,

If you had asked me 20 years ago, I would not have guessed that Pumpkin Spice would have the most successful (if polarizing career) of all the Girls. My money was on Posh. But Pumpkin – that bee is everywhere. I understand she even has an aerosol food additive so that everything can taste like you spilled Starbucks on it. Rumor is that if pumpkin’s what you really, really want, there’s not actually pumpkin in the spice. But, hey, the spray is organic, so there’s that.

– Zigazig ha, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Last week’s hailstorm got me thinking: we don’t have any good hail sports. I know that’s probably because you can’t always count on a good hail season, but I think that only adds to the Xtremeness of the sport. You have to be ready to go the moment the ground is covered in an inch of hail balls. For gear, we could adapt ski equipment and bike helmets. What ideas do you have for making Durango the hail-sport capital of the world?

– Hail Yes

Dear Hail No,

I’m all for innovation and creativity, but there’s only one hail sport that interests me, and it requires no gear whatsoever: hail streaking. Whenever it hails, everyone like you who thinks it should be a new sport takes off all their clothes and runs up and down the street until it stops hailing. Then you count up your welts, and whoever has the most becomes (as they say in Germany) the Weltmeister.

– The sky is falling, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am amazed that this generation of music fans doesn’t believe in deodorant or even patchouli. I’m sick of having to breathe out of my mouth at shows because I’ll retch if I keep inhaling BO. It’s so not sexy. Do we need to start spraying FLC kids with patchouli oil before they’re allowed into concert venues? Wanted to mention that idea in case you’re ever feeling like helping an old hippie out.

– Smelt It, Didn’t Dealt It

Dear Smelfie Check,

If you think that the scent of patchouli in a hot, enclosed environment is preferable to body odor, then you really are an old hippie. That stank is gnarly. Plus, it doesn’t deodorize, so all you end up with is a concert venue that smells like a bus full of Europeans driving home from a midsummer Renaissance faire. Personally, I think you’d be better off spritzing them with pumpkin spice food additives.

– Hey that’s my lawn, Rachel