Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m getting tired of double speak in the work-place. Things like “sick days.” If I want to use a sick day for my mental health – a needed day in the wilderness, say, or recovery after four too many World Series beers – I have to pretend I’m actually ill with some non-specific ailment that doesn’t require medical attention. I’d rather just be honest with my boss, but that is the road to unemployment. How can I use my sick days well, without feeling like I’m cheating on my job?

– Sick Moves

Dear Cough Cough,

Oh, this is too easy, drill sergeant. You can always come down with a fever. Nonspecificity is your friend. Just don’t say what kind of fever. Could be baseball fever, ski fever, dog fever, hiking fever. And you’re not cheating if you’re not lying. A simple “Hey boss, I have a fever, won’t be in today, lol have a good one :)” ought to do the trick. Just be sure to wipe the telltale grin off your face before you go back to work.

– Give me fever, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

When a group of people carpool on a road trip, how should they divvy up the fuel? We’re taking my friend’s car, and she says she shouldn’t pay for gas because we’re putting wear on her vehicle. I say, we’re not wearing anything out to the tune of $40 a tank, so she needs to pony up. How can we settle this kerfuffle before we move on to arguing about music choices and bathroom breaks?

– Oil Crisis

Dear Gassy,

Turn your road trip into a bicycle tour. Problem solved! Or, not. There’s no good way to talk about money with friends, which is why you’re best off being passive aggressive. Simply give your friend the opportunity to pay for gas at each stop. When she doesn’t, load up on convenience store burritos and make her pay ’til the next rest stop.

– Bon voyage, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m not questioning anyone’s spiritual beliefs, but I have to draw the line when things get too woo-woo. I’ve got a coworker who talks about rocks like they’re some combination of living beings and mystical energy sources. He yammers daily about their emotions, their flow, things needing “cleared,” and all kinds of crap that just sounds made up. What on earth is behind this compulsion, and how can I tune it out?

– Hitting Rock Bottom

Dear Stone Cold,

Just because you can’t understand your coworker doesn’t mean he’s nuttier than a monkey in an almond factory. I’ll vouch for the rocks: they do have energetics, even if you can’t feel them. But on the flip side, your coworker sounds like that guy on the bus who won’t stop talking about the same shit over and over and over and over. My take? He’s an excellent reason for you to burn a sick day.

– Rock on, Rachel