Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m kind of actually considering living in a van. I never thought I’d be that guy. For starters, I own way too many dishes and books and everything to keep in a van. And I like my space. But I’m also craving freedom, and the thought of selling all my stuff is rather liberating. I find myself daydreaming about the logistics of where I’d shower, and whether any woman wants to sleep with a “van guy,” and does the fridge keep working even when the van’s not plugged in? What are your thoughts, Rachel?

– Van Gogh

Dear Van Stoph,

My thoughts are that the #vanlife sounds awesome – if you have a place to go back to when you’re done playing pretend-house in a cracker box on wheels. Living in a van as a primary residence? I guess people do it all the time. But not the sort of people that society considers to be “people.” So just be prepared for a particular form of exile until you find that special woman who doesn’t mind telling her friends that her shag-buddy lives in the Mystery Machine. Also, look into winter insulation.

– Beep beep yeah, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m a New Mexican by birth, a Coloradan by choice. I’ve renounced most of the follies of my

youth, as well as my yellow license plate, for the Rocky Mountain Way. Except for green chile. And that leads me to the one and only thing I cannot stand about Colorado: you people insist on pluralizing it as “green chilies.” You don’t put “green chilies” in a burrito. They’re not roasting “green chillies” at Albertson’s. It’s green chile. Period. Full stop. No –s. Can you help me out by spreading the good word?

– Chilevangelist

Dear Verde Loco,

Comprende. No hablo –s on the end of “chile.” You got it right on this one. And why isn’t green chile pluralized? It is not a quantifiable substance. It’s a state of mind, a state of soul. It’s God’s way of separating the wheat from the wussy chaff. It’s not a commodity to be tallied. And it is superior to everything else in existence on this planet. Except red chilies.

– Bueno, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I missed the city pumpkin recycling day. So what can I do with my pumpkin while still being eco-friendly, not luring bears and resisting the temptation to litter my neighborhood street with smashed pumpkins like the end of “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow?”

– Gourd Citizen

Dear Pie Filling,

There’s no way your pumpkin has survived til press time. By now, you probably have a mold-speckled puddle on your porch. So my best advice is to leave it to get snowed over, and see what weirdness emerges in the spring melt. Or, at this point, just pitch it. And why stop with your pumpkin? Get rid of all your possessions and go live in that van with Mr. Gogh up there.

– Can’t squash this, Rachel