Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It seems lately that the whole world thinks they have carte blanche to be raging, cowardly ass-holes. Is this just some sort of “Trump Factor” that will subside if/when he loses the election? Or is there something even more sinister at work here?

– Running Out of Toilet Paper

Dear Two-ply,

Where have you been? This isn’t a new phenom. I’m pretty sure there’s an entire sequence in our human DNA that guarantees the existence of raging, cowardly ass- holes. It’s just that, usually, the rest of us monkeys are pretty good at shaming those people into silence. So is the problem getting more sinister? Or are we finally drawing our collective puss to the surface where it will shrivel in the light? I’m afraid I don’t know. But I ultimately comfort myself at night with the thought that the heat death of the universe will render the answer moot.

– I’ll share a square, Rachel

Dearest Rachel,

So I’m not a big baseball fan but have been enjoying watching the MLB playoffs recently. One burning question I have: why are they al- ways spitting? They made a good play: spit. Screw up: spit. Scratch their nuts: spit. How does one human produce so much saliva?

– Louigi

Dear Spitballer,

Why does there have to be a “why” to everything in the world? Like baseball. There’s no reason to play baseball beyond the joy of the blissfully perfect game in and of itself. And there’s no reason to spit beyond the beauty of creation. Think about it. The first time in your life you spit/spat/sput, it probably stringed/strang/strung
down your chin. Epic fail. But if you kept at it, you eventually experienced an effortless spit and for
that moment that your liquid quartz hung in the air, you knew what it was to play God. Then it hit the ground, gone forever, and you understood the equal and opposite beauty of temporality. Yin and yang. Big Bang and heat death. Yankees and Mets. All the answers are in baseball, mi amigo. (Oh, and Gatorade will replenish your saliva.)

– Scratch my nuts, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I am really stumped on this year’s Halloween costume ideas. I’m sure there will be a million Trumps and Hillarys, not to mention the usual slew of slutty (insert profession or animal name here). What sorts of ideas do you have for a good costume that’s easy on the pocketbook but also unique and above all easy to assemble? Hurry time is ticking.

– Hal

Dear ’loween,

Awesome costumes are either screen- quality “Star Wars” outfits, or else some- thing entirely unexpected. That’s where the whole slew of slut originated no one expects a sultry Hitler. Sounds to me like you want the latter category, sans the sex appeal. I hear you; who wants to get laid on Halloween, anyway? I recommend you flip “slutty” on its head and go as a prude. Prude Trump could sure stand out from the crowd, even if it wouldn’t grab you any prizes. And if you want to go as cheap as can be, go as yourself. Wear your own clothes. Style your hair like normal. I mean, what’s it matter? The whole universe is going to end in heat death anyway.

– Smell my feet, Rachel