Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

So what does it take to make the cover of the Local First coupon book these days? There’s a bunch of big hitters on there, and then lo and behold, I see the founder of this newspaper. Is the Telegraph really such a big deal? Or did you all give away some advertising space or something shady like that to make the cut? No judgment here – it’s just a dream of mine to make the cover, and I want to do whatever’s necessary.

– Cover Story

Dear Aiming High,

What you really want to make is the centerfold. To the best of my knowledge, the coupon book has never had a centerfold. You’d be the first. Imagine all the locavores flipping their books sideways to unfold your spread – now even more popular than Ken and Sue’s coupon trifecta. Also, you’d get the song “Angel Is a Centerfold” stuck in everyone’s head but mine, because I always get it mixed up with John Fogerty’s “Centerfield.”

– Put me in coach, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Obviously I don’t have to tell you what a big deal all the sexual misconduct revelations are. We’re going to have some overcorrection as we adjust, but where’s the line? As a dude, I’m not sure what I’m allowed to say to women anymore. Can I compliment them? Acknowledge their presence with a smile and a wave? Or do I need to wait for them to speak to me first, then never say anything nice in return?

– Walking On Eggshells

Dear Woke,

We’re all going to make mistakes as we navigate a world where women are a little freer to speak up for themselves, and men are a little more conscious of being – and I’m generalizing here – dick-driven, power-ignorant, brainless, insensitive, oversimplified grabber monkeys. Maybe start off every interaction with a person of any gender by asking yourself, “Am I treating this person like a worthy, respected human being?” And then ... yeah, probably don’t initiate any contact, ever.

– Air hug, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

’Tis the season of a million charitable giving requests. But what’s the ethical standing for an employer asking employees to donate money to the employer? I give 40 hours a week to the employer’s cause, and I don’t exactly make a ton of money. (The employer oughta know this as well as anyone.) But I have gotten half a dozen requests to donate money in the last month. Seems wrong, don’t you think?

– Low Budget

Dear Purse Strings,

On the one hand, these nonprofit organizations have to cast a wide net to stay afloat. Especially if next year’s charitable giving is Republicanized. On the other hand... yeah, screw those guys for asking you – asking! maybe even nicely! – to support a mission you give so much of your life to. I say, mail back an envelope with all the Local First coupons you’ll never use in a million years.

– Deduct that, Rachel