Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Thanksgiving is already giving me anxiety. I decided this year to go veggie. And I don’t know how to break it to the ravenous carnivores in my family tree. I’m not in it for the cute baby animals or anything noble like that. Honestly, I’m in it for the regularity. I’ve never felt so free and clear! But maybe it’s worth a weekend of constipation not to face the firing squad at the family dinner. What should I do?

– Sincerely, Sitting Duck

Dear Tofurkey,

I’d say you are a vegetarian for the noblest cause of all: yourself. But let me guess that your folks are the kind of family that asks you to be fiercely independent, so long as you don’t do anything weird and you fit in with everyone else. So you could go stealth, loading up on green beans and yams and hoping no one notices your meatless plate. Or you can make a bold stand. Use the blessing to come out of the closet. Dare them to shun you on this most inclusive of holidays. If they do, flip the table, steal the pumpkin pie, and bring it to my place.

– Pass the taters, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My place of employment has this thing where they want each employee to donate to a worthy cause by the end of the year. It’s some marketing gimmick so they can say 100 percent of their employees are giving, charitable people. I’m all for philanthropy, but this isn’t coming out of the goodness of my heart. It’s coercion! How can I keep my hard-earned cash without losing my job?

– Sorry Not Sorry

Dear One-Percenter,

This is a difficult letter to answer, because I don’t have all the facts. Are you a minimum-wage earner at a business that doesn’t invest in your personal and professional development? Or (as I suspect), do you work securely above
a living wage, financially hampered only by your own fiscal irresponsibility? I gotta think the answer becomes clear as you examine your situation. And in the end, the choice to give or not to give is yours alone. If you end up losing your job, perhaps you will learn what it’s like to rely on the kindness of strangers.

– Give and let give, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I met someone special at a Halloween party last weekend. We danced. We laughed. We got insanely drunk on jungle juice. And then we lost track of each other. I don’t spark with people very often, Rachel. But I don’t have this person’s phone number. I never saw this person’s human face. I’m not even certain about this person’s gender. All I know is where (s)he works. Am I super stalkerish if I go loiter there in hopes of rekindling that passion? Any tips?

– Sleepless in Durango

Dear Crazy Person,

Yes. Yes, that would be super stalkerish. Not evenish. That is straight-up stalking. But... man, am I a sucker for a good love story. Your reunion would be even better than the top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s Day. Loiter all you wish! Here is my lone piece of advice, though: Don’t pretend for a moment that your reunion is serendipity when in fact it’s orchestrated obsession. Own your creepiness. Stitch it into your origin story as a couple. And if it doesn’t work out, let it go. You can sleep easy knowing you didn’t let love pass you by.

– Here’s looking at you, kid, Rachel