Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Turns out my nephew has a severe peanut allergy. Bad enough that he’ll forever be one of those people who makes everyone else on the airplane eat complimentary pretzels instead of delicious peanuts. He’s coming to visit us soon, and I’m not sure I’m willing to go a week without peanut butter. I pretty much live on the stuff. Should I really change my diet for this kid? Or is it actually good to expose the little goober to small airborne doses?

– Peanut Gallery

Dear Nucking Futs,

What is wrong with you? Yes, you can go a week without your Skippy in order to save a kid’s life! It’s not like he’s faking it when his throat clamps shut like he just disappointed Darth Vader for the last time. Grow a pair of goobers yourself, nut up, and do without. If you’re really so desperate, there’s peanut butter alternatives, like sunflower butter, almond butter, and sewing your mouth shut before you say anything else stupid.

– Choosy moms choose me, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Serious question here. Do I start treating my outdoor plants like it’s springtime? Or do I still starve them of water and fertilizer like I would if this winter were actually wintry? I don’t want to throw off their seasonal cycles, but I also don’t want to kill them by not tending to them in our 70-degree February weather. Any sage advice for my sage (and other) plants?

– Green Thumb

Dear Verdant Digit,

You are asking the wrong gal here. I tried growing radishes once, which are basically the easiest crop to grow in the world, and I killed them all. They were supposed to take only three or four weeks of loving neglect, and I managed to shrivel them all before they were more than a twinkle in my future salads’ eyes. So, you know, whatever I would do, you should do the opposite. If it helps, if I were you, I’d tear out my garden and put in a hot tub.

– Living way, way off the land, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I understand the deal is, whoever cooked doesn’t have to do dishes. But what I never learned was which person does the dishes. Here’s what happened. One friend cooked a Super Bowl smorgasbord for 17 people. Then I ended up doing all the dishes. That’s a disproportionate amount of dishes for the number of cocktail weenies I ate. Should we all have pitched in? Or do I draw the short straw just because I can’t stand a dirty kitchen?

- Deterred Gent

Dear Mr. Clean,

Here’s your best way out of doing dishes (and, hopefully, into someone else doing them for you): pretend you’re allergic to dish soap. My kid sister did this for her entire youth, and she never one had to wash the dishes. Guess who had to? Me. But I’m not bitter. At least she wasn’t allergic to peanuts.

– Sudsed up, Rachel