Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Right about now, I’m feeling pretty vindicated for my decision not to buy snow tires this year. My ol’ treadless standbys are going to get me through another year! If I’d dropped a K on new snow-boots, I’d just be needlessly wearing them down on asphalt this winter. Now who’s the smart one, suckas! So what do you think, Rachel? What’s the best way for me to rub in my weather forecasting savvy to all the losers at the tire shops?

– Al Effing Roker

Dear Skidmarks,

There’s only one way for you to truly, memorably, taunt those snow-tire suckers. Take your treadless steed and go roaring up the front hill to the rim. Do this right about, oh, 8 in the morning to maximize your visibility. Then spit road slush at all the losers stuck sideways because they couldn’t handle the snow and the incline. That’ll show them.

– There’s no business like snow business, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m in a horribly awkward social situation. One of my friends is leaving his marriage. His wife knows, and I know, and ... maybe no one else does? Or at least, everyone else still talks like their marriage is fine and dandy, and I end up making noncommittal grunts to keep from outing them. At what point is it OK to out my friends, since everyone is going to find out someday anyway?

– Can’t Keep a Secret

Dear Bean Spiller,

The only way out is to make a very public, and very anonymous, announcement that everyone is sure to see. Have you considered taking out a full-page color advertisement in the Durango Telegraph? It has a circulation in the millions, I swear, and as a bonus, I might get a hefty commission for suggesting the idea. Then you can sleep again at night, even if you have no more friends!

– I do what I can, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I already know I’m going to forget Valentine’s Day. I can circle it on the calendar, set timers on my phone, think up all these great gift ideas, and then... bam! It’s Feb. 15, and I don’t understand how I failed to follow through yet again. I think there ought to be a new holiday, right around Feb. 18, that we can establish as an even more romantic alternative to the over-commercialized Valentine’s Day. What do you think?

– Out in the Cold

Dear Heartless,

Valentine’s Day is definitely over-commercialized. But, if you’re in a romantic relationship where your partner(s) expect you to celebrate, you’re pretty much boned. (Or, rather, not boned.) There’s only one gift that is both sensuous and practical, that says both “I love you” and “I don’t want to ever have to come rescue your ass out of a ditch.” I offer you two words: Snow. Tires.

– I got a bad case, Rachel