Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve been contemplating getting a vasectomy. I’m like 95 percent certain I never want kids because I am way too interested in my own life to spend two decades raising booger eaters. But there’s that nagging doubt (it sounds strangely like my mother) who says, “You will meet the right person and regret not being able to make babies!” What do you think, Rachel? Trust myself, or leave my options open?

– Feeling Snippy

Dear Vas Deferential,

Always trust yourself. I hear you saying – and I’m never wrong – that you don’t want kids, but you find yourself caring what people will think. Forget what other people think! What you want is what you want, and it should never be dependent on “finding someone.” Bleck. Screw that. Besides, I sometimes think that evolution is a self-defining system. If the gene pool wants you out of it, perhaps you better listen.

– Stocking up on ice, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I made the serious mistake of renting from a friend. That landlord/friend line is awfully challenging to un-blur. For example, our shared yard is full of garbage that distinctly did not originate from my house. But if I ask him to clean it up, then I feel obligated to go buy him a drink or something like that. I just want to write my check and be friends, and never the twain shall meet. How do I make that happen?

– Worlds Colliding

Dear Cosmo Kramer,

Here’s how you make that happen: You move out. That will probably destroy the friendship, but think of it as a scorched-earth approach. Once you burn them bridges, you can build new bridges with people you owe no money to! And choose wisely. Being a tenant is WAY more work than being a friend, because around here, landlords don’t have to do squat in terms of providing you reasonable housing.

– I’m in the wrong business, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Why on earth do we have so many spring breaks in Durango? The college goes on break next week, and 9-R doesn’t go for another month. It’s murder on a family with working students and kids all together. Let’s just align all our schedules and shut this city down for a week to make everyone happy.

– Spring Broken

Dear Scheduling Assistant,

If we shut down the city for a week, who will issue our parking tickets and charge us money to recycle? Who will selectively funnel us toward choosing new median art, which is a really dumb place for new art since you can’t even stop and see it long enough to think “Hey, I could have made that?” The world would be chaos. So we stick with fractured spring breaks to keep society functioning, until we all get vasectomies and there are no more children.

– Cancun or bust, Rachel