Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

There’s a bass player in town who I’m absolutely in love with. It’s a small world, so I won’t even use the bassist’s gender lest (s)he get offended. But I desperately want to make a move. You know, something like saying “Hi” and seeing if the bassist even sees me. I can’t even think about asking for a date; I just want a real conversation. How can I cold-call someone so incredibly talented and with such big hands?

– All About That Bass

Dear Bottom End,

I had an answer all ready to go, and then you threw out the big hands comment. Now I can’t stop wondering what big hands have to do with anything. Are you concerned about the massive “howdy pardner” wave you’ll get in return? Or do the hands excite you when you think about them plucking whatever gender parts you have? I’m half troubled and three quarters intrigued.

– A one and a two, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I completely missed the Durango Film Festival... again. Every year I have the best intentions to go watch all sorts of artsy movies, and then I get lured outdoors, and next thing you know, we’re back to the same old two movies at the Gaslight. Most of these movies will never see the light of day again. So am I a horrible person if I try to pirate the movies on my laptop so at least I can watch them?

– Silver Screener

Dear Long John Silver Screen,

I have not cleared this answer with my legal team, but I believe that pirating artwork is one of the greatest compliments an artist can get. You want to see their work so much that you’ll break the law to do it! But you know what’s an even bigger compliment? Paying money for the privilege.

– Pony up, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need a ready-made snappy comment to make to people who let their dogs run off leash on the River Trail. Actually, it’s not off-leash I have a problem with. It’s off-leash and on the wrong side of the trail. The owner’s on the right, the dog’s on the left, and there’s no place for a bike to avoid running someone over. Hollering “On your left” doesn’t work for a dog, either. Not the dog’s fault, but what can I do to get through to the oblivious humans?

– Make Way

Dear Logjammed,

A picture is worth a thousand words. So picture this: you holler “Riding up your butt!” and if the human doesn’t get out of the way, you ride up their butt. Speaking as someone who ran over a dog on the River Trail once (sorry, boy!) because of an oblivious human, riding over the nincompoop would be a way more pleasurable experience. Unless the human is a bassist. Who knows what they’d do to you with those hands.

– On your right, Rachel