Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

As a dude, I’ve caught flack my whole life on behalf of other dudes who leave the toilet seat up. I get that sitting down on a lidless toilet is a soggy experience. But I just want to say that I know what happens when guys don’t put the seat UP. I don’t know why guys in public stalls don’t lift the lid to pee, but they render the toilet unusable. I’m just saying, maybe count your blessings next time a guy leaves the lid up?

– Golden Ticket

Dear Splatter Paint,

This ain’t a problem limited to your men’s rooms. There’s women who like to squat rather than sit, because cooties. And because women lack even your faulty targeting apparatus, it comes out like that setting on your garden hose that you never use because it sprays literally everywhere but where you intend. So, welcome to our world.

– My aim is true, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

My dad retires in a month, and I’m a little concerned. He loves coming to visit me in Durango, which is awesome once or twice a year. But without anything better to do (or anything at all to do), I have this horrible suspicion that he’s going to be dropping by my house more frequently, and for longer. Especially because, with-

out drug tests at work, he’ll be free to smoke dope for the first time in 40 years. How can I love him without him taking up residence in my living room?

- Couch Surfee

Dear Landing Pad,

You put your 60-something-year-old dad up on your couch? And he still comes to visit you? Shoot, that would be enough for me to disown you and write you out of my will. I’ve got bad news for you: your papa loves you very, very much. And there’s no good way for you to shun him without breaking his heart. I recommend you suggest that he find a rental unit in town so he can stay and smoke as much as he pleases. Once he compares the rental rates to his fixed income, you’ll never hear from him again.

– Daddy’s girl, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

My relationship hangs in the balance with your answer to this question: Whose job is it to buy the condoms? I say it’s his job, because it’s the only way he’s getting any from me (or from most any self-respecting girlfriend). He thinks it’s my job to stock condoms at my house, and his job at his house, because neither of us wants to be pregnant. So tell me, how wrong is he, Rachel?

– Rubber Match

Dear Trojan Horse,

This is one of those circumstances where you’re better off compromising. He wants one thing, you want another. So he should do what you want. Unless he wants to start stocking tampons at his house for you, not to mention putting the lid down.

– Don’t be a fool, Rachel

Top Shelf

Russell, Ramblin' Jack and a Night at the Opera
Russell, Ramblin' Jack and a Night at the Opera
By Chris Aaland
09/20/2018

I must admit that I love my professional life, balancing radio and writing. Ever since 1987 when I stumbled through an interview with Warren Zevon for KDUR and the FLC Independent, I’ve been hooked.

The blues, the whole blues, and nothing but the blues
The blues, the whole blues, and nothing but the blues
By Chris Aaland
09/13/2018

And so it ends. The last major blowout of festival season is upon us. When the Bones of J.R. Jones strikes their first note at Sunset Plaza in Mountain Village at 5 p.m. tonight (Thur., Sept. 13), the 25th annual Telluride Blues & Brews will officially be under way. Denver’s Dragondeer follows.

Ska-nniversary, joining the circus & Twin Buttes bash
Ska-nniversary, joining the circus & Twin Buttes bash
By Chris Aaland
09/06/2018

Ska Brewing’s 23rd Anniversary and Brewers Invitational takes place from 4-9 p.m. Saturday at the World Headquarters in Bodo Park.

Four Corners folks, Sneaky Pete and motorcycles
Four Corners folks, Sneaky Pete and motorcycles
By Chris Aaland
08/30/2018

The 23rd annual Four Corners Folk Festival takes place Friday through Sunday on Reservoir Hill in Pagosa Springs.

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Stay golden
Stay golden
By Stephen Eginoire
09/20/2018

With the summer of 2018 vanished in a literal cloud of smoke, it’s time to embrace the present and hurry on out to your local aspen grove before it’s too late! This year’s truly exceptional supply of color won’t be lasting much longer.

On the Rocks
On the Rocks
By Stephen Eginoire
09/13/2018

Does the incredibly fast-paced world of outdoor sports make you anxious? Is your bike too nice to ride? Perhaps the abundance of trail-panache has made you self-conscious.

Gone to Press
Gone to Press
By Stephen Eginoire
09/06/2018

As crisp mornings give way to shorter days, harvest season has begun. In Montezuma County, this year’s apple crop has been remarkable.

Let the good times roll
Let the good times roll
By Stephen Eginoire
08/30/2018

It’s that time of year again. Turn up the Steppenwolf, cinch the do-rag and juice the throttle, ’cause the open road is calling

Read All in Day on the Life