Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As a dude, I’ve caught flack my whole life on behalf of other dudes who leave the toilet seat up. I get that sitting down on a lidless toilet is a soggy experience. But I just want to say that I know what happens when guys don’t put the seat UP. I don’t know why guys in public stalls don’t lift the lid to pee, but they render the toilet unusable. I’m just saying, maybe count your blessings next time a guy leaves the lid up?

– Golden Ticket

Dear Splatter Paint,

This ain’t a problem limited to your men’s rooms. There’s women who like to squat rather than sit, because cooties. And because women lack even your faulty targeting apparatus, it comes out like that setting on your garden hose that you never use because it sprays literally everywhere but where you intend. So, welcome to our world.

– My aim is true, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My dad retires in a month, and I’m a little concerned. He loves coming to visit me in Durango, which is awesome once or twice a year. But without anything better to do (or anything at all to do), I have this horrible suspicion that he’s going to be dropping by my house more frequently, and for longer. Especially because, with-

out drug tests at work, he’ll be free to smoke dope for the first time in 40 years. How can I love him without him taking up residence in my living room?

- Couch Surfee

Dear Landing Pad,

You put your 60-something-year-old dad up on your couch? And he still comes to visit you? Shoot, that would be enough for me to disown you and write you out of my will. I’ve got bad news for you: your papa loves you very, very much. And there’s no good way for you to shun him without breaking his heart. I recommend you suggest that he find a rental unit in town so he can stay and smoke as much as he pleases. Once he compares the rental rates to his fixed income, you’ll never hear from him again.

– Daddy’s girl, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My relationship hangs in the balance with your answer to this question: Whose job is it to buy the condoms? I say it’s his job, because it’s the only way he’s getting any from me (or from most any self-respecting girlfriend). He thinks it’s my job to stock condoms at my house, and his job at his house, because neither of us wants to be pregnant. So tell me, how wrong is he, Rachel?

– Rubber Match

Dear Trojan Horse,

This is one of those circumstances where you’re better off compromising. He wants one thing, you want another. So he should do what you want. Unless he wants to start stocking tampons at his house for you, not to mention putting the lid down.

– Don’t be a fool, Rachel