Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I thought harvest season ended weeks ago. No more dealing with excess produce. Then my friend came to visit from warmer climes, and he brought a whole row of spaghetti squash. I really don’t know anyone who likes spaghetti squash. Me included. But my conscience won’t let me pitch them. What can I do with these intruders that won’t make me feel guilty for not eating them?

– Sincerely, Squash Humbug

Dear Squash and a Hard Place,

One suggestion comes to me straight out of ignorance: can you donate these unwanted fruits to a local food bank? I do understand, though, that even the most desperate hungry person may have no idea how to prepare or enjoy vegetable spaghetti. So let’s get creative. How about a series of November jack-o’-lanterns? Lop off the tops, carve a beaming pilgrim or a butchered turkey into the yellow flesh, and voila! Just the conversation stopper you need when your drunk uncle can’t let the election go already.

– That’s why I don’t allow visitors, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

During the Atmos outage, we had to move all our crap out of the storage room so the gas guys could get into the crawlspace. Rather than put it all back, we’re get- ting rid of it. My husband wants to list each individual thing on eBay. I want to just donate it all and be done with it. Which is the better way, taking weeks to sell stuff online and making all of 10 dollars? Or helping charity and getting my house back?

– Thanks, Pack Rat

Dear Pat Rack,

Methinks you might be just a smidge dismissive of the eBay option. Your hubby wants to take on all the work of photographing items, writing descriptions, posting listings, monitoring bids, answering questions, packaging the winning items, and mailing them at the post office – I say let him. It’ll keep him occupado for the rest of the Obama presidency. And all the stuff that doesn’t sell (which, let’s be hon- est, is all of it) can then go toward all those cute four-leggeds at the Humane Society Thrift Store. Or else, skip the whole argument and give it all away while he’s watching the Broncos game.

– Think of the puppies, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Three of my coworkers of a certain (middle) age are all learning to play guitar. They recently found out that I’ve been playing since child- hood, and now they want to get together and jam sometime. I don’t want to jam with them – a fella can handle an atonal “Take it Easy” only so many times. How can I get out of the kumbaya while keeping the office peace?

– Solo Act

Dear Yoko,

Oh, the answer to this one is easy. Announce to the gang that when you per- form, you require everyone to slip dollar bills under your G-string. Do you mean the one on your guitar, or that other, thinner kind? Well, wink wink, they’ll just have to find out, won’t they. Either no one will show, or you will make a few bucks. Alternately, if you have no sense of adventure, you can offer to bring along your surplus spaghetti squash – and you’ll never be invited again.

– Lighten up while you still can, Rachel