Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My roommate just got an Alexa, the little voice-activated slave. Now when he gets home from work, first thing he does is order Alexa to give him the news, weather, music station of choice, etc. He also has taken to yelling at it. I suppose he thinks the louder he screams, the faster his wish will be commanded. It’s become extremely annoying not to mention embarrassing when friends come over. He’s turned into some kind of power-tripping tyrant. Please, Rachel, how do we de-program the situation?

– Raging Against the Machine

Dear Audioslave,

This is the brave new world we live in. It ends not with a bang, nor with a whimper, but with a “No, Alexa, I said TELL ME A JOKE.” There’s no way to deprogram the situation, I’m afraid. Unless we rise up as one to throw off the yoke of our Silicon Valley overlords and reclaim our humanity from those who would enslave us through our own technological slaves. In other words, we’re boned.

– Killing in the name, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Can someone please explain to me what this whole current shoulder cut-out fashion funny business is all about? Could these women not afford to buy the whole shirt? Did the sweat shop laborers go on strike and not finish the job? Is it because people’s shoulder’s get hot and sweaty and need ventilation? Please help me understand. Because if it is in fact considered “fashionable,” then I guess it’s true that there are no good ideas left and people will fall for anything.

– Cold Shoulder

Dear Chilly Butt,

Did you know that different parts of the human anatomy are considered erotic in different cultures? Some peoples find elbows and knees to be all the rage. I knew a guy in college who got turned on by armpits. All this to say, I have no freaking idea what’s going on. Cut shirts are as pointless as distressed jeans. The only shoulder cut I can get behind is the one you eat from pigs.

– With timeless style, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I was recently horrendously ill with a stomach bug. I was so out of it, I basically didn’t know what year I was living in. Now, after the fact, I’m wondering what I should expect from my roommates in this situation. Should they a) just leave me the f#@! alone; b) offer to grab me things at the store, and otherwise leave me the f#@! alone; or c) hold my hair back and bring me clean buckets? If I’m the roommate, I’m choosing a or b. But as the sick one, c would have been nice. What’s etiquette here? 

– Bugging Out

Dear Hazardous Waste,

Unless your roommates are also your significant other or your parents, they’re under no obligation to do anything but option a. Who wants anything to do with your funk? Now, if your roommate is Alexa, then that changes things. She’s still a worthless bint, but at least she’ll talk to you while you hallucinate.

– Are you there, Alexa? It’s me, Rachel