Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

My roommate just got an Alexa, the little voice-activated slave. Now when he gets home from work, first thing he does is order Alexa to give him the news, weather, music station of choice, etc. He also has taken to yelling at it. I suppose he thinks the louder he screams, the faster his wish will be commanded. It’s become extremely annoying not to mention embarrassing when friends come over. He’s turned into some kind of power-tripping tyrant. Please, Rachel, how do we de-program the situation?

– Raging Against the Machine

Dear Audioslave,

This is the brave new world we live in. It ends not with a bang, nor with a whimper, but with a “No, Alexa, I said TELL ME A JOKE.” There’s no way to deprogram the situation, I’m afraid. Unless we rise up as one to throw off the yoke of our Silicon Valley overlords and reclaim our humanity from those who would enslave us through our own technological slaves. In other words, we’re boned.

– Killing in the name, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

Can someone please explain to me what this whole current shoulder cut-out fashion funny business is all about? Could these women not afford to buy the whole shirt? Did the sweat shop laborers go on strike and not finish the job? Is it because people’s shoulder’s get hot and sweaty and need ventilation? Please help me understand. Because if it is in fact considered “fashionable,” then I guess it’s true that there are no good ideas left and people will fall for anything.

– Cold Shoulder

Dear Chilly Butt,

Did you know that different parts of the human anatomy are considered erotic in different cultures? Some peoples find elbows and knees to be all the rage. I knew a guy in college who got turned on by armpits. All this to say, I have no freaking idea what’s going on. Cut shirts are as pointless as distressed jeans. The only shoulder cut I can get behind is the one you eat from pigs.

– With timeless style, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

I was recently horrendously ill with a stomach bug. I was so out of it, I basically didn’t know what year I was living in. Now, after the fact, I’m wondering what I should expect from my roommates in this situation. Should they a) just leave me the f#@! alone; b) offer to grab me things at the store, and otherwise leave me the f#@! alone; or c) hold my hair back and bring me clean buckets? If I’m the roommate, I’m choosing a or b. But as the sick one, c would have been nice. What’s etiquette here? 

– Bugging Out

Dear Hazardous Waste,

Unless your roommates are also your significant other or your parents, they’re under no obligation to do anything but option a. Who wants anything to do with your funk? Now, if your roommate is Alexa, then that changes things. She’s still a worthless bint, but at least she’ll talk to you while you hallucinate.

– Are you there, Alexa? It’s me, Rachel

Top Shelf

Russell, Ramblin' Jack and a Night at the Opera
Russell, Ramblin' Jack and a Night at the Opera
By Chris Aaland
09/20/2018

I must admit that I love my professional life, balancing radio and writing. Ever since 1987 when I stumbled through an interview with Warren Zevon for KDUR and the FLC Independent, I’ve been hooked.

The blues, the whole blues, and nothing but the blues
The blues, the whole blues, and nothing but the blues
By Chris Aaland
09/13/2018

And so it ends. The last major blowout of festival season is upon us. When the Bones of J.R. Jones strikes their first note at Sunset Plaza in Mountain Village at 5 p.m. tonight (Thur., Sept. 13), the 25th annual Telluride Blues & Brews will officially be under way. Denver’s Dragondeer follows.

Ska-nniversary, joining the circus & Twin Buttes bash
Ska-nniversary, joining the circus & Twin Buttes bash
By Chris Aaland
09/06/2018

Ska Brewing’s 23rd Anniversary and Brewers Invitational takes place from 4-9 p.m. Saturday at the World Headquarters in Bodo Park.

Four Corners folks, Sneaky Pete and motorcycles
Four Corners folks, Sneaky Pete and motorcycles
By Chris Aaland
08/30/2018

The 23rd annual Four Corners Folk Festival takes place Friday through Sunday on Reservoir Hill in Pagosa Springs.

Read All in Top Shelf

Day in the Life

Stay golden
Stay golden
By Stephen Eginoire
09/20/2018

With the summer of 2018 vanished in a literal cloud of smoke, it’s time to embrace the present and hurry on out to your local aspen grove before it’s too late! This year’s truly exceptional supply of color won’t be lasting much longer.

On the Rocks
On the Rocks
By Stephen Eginoire
09/13/2018

Does the incredibly fast-paced world of outdoor sports make you anxious? Is your bike too nice to ride? Perhaps the abundance of trail-panache has made you self-conscious.

Gone to Press
Gone to Press
By Stephen Eginoire
09/06/2018

As crisp mornings give way to shorter days, harvest season has begun. In Montezuma County, this year’s apple crop has been remarkable.

Let the good times roll
Let the good times roll
By Stephen Eginoire
08/30/2018

It’s that time of year again. Turn up the Steppenwolf, cinch the do-rag and juice the throttle, ’cause the open road is calling

Read All in Day on the Life