Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m a pretty philanthropic person. But these birthday fundraisers on Facebook! People post them on the day of their birthday, which means they obviously aren’t targeted to the people who were giving them gifts anyway. I don’t have twenty spare bucks to give to each one of my cousin’s husband’s groomsmen’s preferred causes, but of course I feel guilty for neglecting to contribute to Child Abuse Prevention Month. Should I donate, or should I scroll?

– Ebenezer Screwed

Dear McDuck,

I don’t give to a single one of those fundraisers. Nope. And I don’t feel guilty about it, either. You know what I do to assuage my guilt? I shop on Amazon using their Smile feature, which I can use to donate Amazon’s money that they just made off of me back to the Humane Society, or Devo, or whichever nonprofit I signed up for that one time. They get financial support, I get a discount by subscribing to monthly deliveries of Clif bars, and my brother-in-law on Facebook can stuff it.

– My middle name is Generosity, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need some serious help with ant infestations. I keep getting swarms of tiny little buggers in various places in my house—the bathroom, the bedroom wall, and of course the kitchen. It’s not a cleanliness problem. Trust me; I’ve been cleaning in triplicate ever since this started. But they’ll show up through the walls or the floor, swarm for a day or two, then vanish. How do you recommend I handle it?

– Bugging Out

Dear Ant Central Station,

When I get ants in my rental, the first thing I do is breathe deep and remind myself the ants were here first. Then I get overwhelmed and go spend the night in a hotel. When I come home, if the ants aren’t gone, I call my landlords and tell them the house burned down. Then I burn the house down. So far, that’s worked for me every time. Worth a shot, I say.

– I prefer uncles, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’ve lived a lot of places, and I’ve never seen so much hype over an election as small as the LPEA board. You’d think you were electing presidents of the United States to life terms for all the passion going into these contests. Am I missing something important about our power provider? Or is there just nothing better going on in southwestern Colorado?

– Let’s Pronounce Enough Already

Dear Independent Voter,

If you would read up on the issues, then you would understand just how much is at stake, and why weMUST elect all the good guys and DENY all the evil villains any say in our electrical future, for the sake of us and all future generations! And then you can tell me what the issues are, and why they’re important. I’m too busy donating to charity on Amazon to follow it all myself.

– My chads are hanging, Rachel