Ask Rachel

Ask Rachel

Email Rachel at telegraph@durangotelegraph.com

Dear Rachel,

Of course the 416 Fire is horrible, and I do not mean to suggest that it’s a good thing in any way. But I do believe in making lemonade out of lemons, to coin a phrase, so I’m wondering what side benefits there might be to having Durango swimming in smoke every morning. Could we cure meats on the sides of our houses? Bottle this air for smoking out beehives? Maybe prevent a few people from buying vacation homes that sit empty 50 weeks out of the year?

– Smokey Bear

Dear Feeling the Burn,

I agree that there’s a silver lining to every cloud, even though that’s a really dumb phrase, since there isn’t in fact any silver in a healthy cumulonimbus. But the only good I can see coming from this fire is if it helps us all be smarter environmental stewards going forward. As for capitalizing on this particular disaster, I say you’re free to vacate your home for 50 weeks out of the year and spare us your creativity. And take your meats with you.

– Only you, Rachel

 

Dear Rachel,

What’s the appropriate etiquette for heart emojis in text messages? One heart seems to mean something different than three hearts, but what about three hearts sprinkled independently through a message? And then there’s orange hearts and blue hearts and green hearts, and I can’t even begin to comprehend what those mean. Any insights into this facet of our society?

– Heart Attacked

Dear Palpitations,

Before emojis, I ran into this with European friends. They’d sign off their messages with various amounts of x’s, and I could never decipher the code. But I gathered that you could be upgraded or downgraded. Someone pissed off would switch from three x’s to one, and someone in euphoria might bump you up to five or seven. It’s confusing, and it’s why I stick with ending all communication with the chocolate soft-serve emoji.

– Heartless, Rachel xx

 

Dear Rachel,

I recently adopted an aloe vera plant under the pretense that it’s incredibly easy to care for and thrives on neglect. Well, now it’s turning 50 shades of pale brown. I looked up what this means, and apparently my ward has gotten either too much or too little light, and/or too much or too little water. That’s helpful information – NOT. How long do you think I should stress out before I just throw this plant in the garbage?

– Green Thumbs Down

Dear American Gothic,

Ah, you got suckered by the whole “thrives on neglect” thing. That’s just a euphemism to give you a tiny speck of hope. The good news is, there’s a ton of suckers out there who would love to nurse your plant back to health for you. But that means admitting defeat. I recommend you go on vacation for 50 weeks. When you come back, it’ll either be dead, or your home will be the Little Shop of Horrors.

– Deer resistant, Rachel

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