Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I keep seeing these inspirational videos on Facebook that tell me that my job is wasting my life, that I should do what makes me happy, that I should live my life for love and not for money. I agree with every point! But then it turns out I also need a job to pay for my food, so I can stay alive to live and be happy. The Dalai Lama has a long waiting list, so I’m asking you to show me the way instead.

- Seeking Illumination

Dear Illuminati,

If there were one known answer to finding spiritual happiness here on this earthly plane, you wouldn’t have gurus and evangelists and philosophers all searching for it. I do know one thing, though: true happiness comes from within. Explore deep within yourself, and trust the guides who show you signs. In other words, get off of Facebook and start experiencing joy IRL.

– Ignoring your friend request, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I studied and traveled abroad a lot during the W. years, and to avoid getting questions and criticism for our dumbass president, I put a Canadian flag pin on my backpack strap. Worked like a charm. Now, I want to do something similar here at home, just to distance myself from our even more dumbass president. But will a Canadian flag pin just make me an ICE target?

– Whaddya Think, Eh?

Dear Mountie,

Oh please. You don’t actually think our fledgling SS recruits hate Canadians, do you? We’re only pissing on Canada because Canada is an ally, and that’s how we treat allies these days. But the immigration enforcement officials have no reason to round you up, unless you look like one of them Mexican Canadians. Just carry some Tim Hortons donuts with you at all times, and you should be free and clear from any law enforcement harassment.

– Sworry, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

It’s almost like the universe decided I am here on this planet to be a champion for people who are criticized and discriminated against based on their weight. I hear people judging large people, as if their excess weight is 100 percent due to personal choice. I jump in to defend them, because we don’t know what genetics, health conditions and socioeconomic situations they are facing. But the people I talk to just get defensive. How can I best approach this situation in a way that others may actually listen to me?

– Batman for Big People

Dear Sir Talksalot,

I admire you for giving people enough credit to want to see the complete picture of another human being. But it’s so much easier to reduce them to a societal standard, and then ridicule them for not matching it. If you really want to make a difference in how people experience the world, I recommend you condense your life’s purpose down to a 55-second video clip, complete with visually compelling graphics and easy-to-read bullet points, and post it to Facebook. Preferably Canadian Facebook.

– Crying into my Hortons, Rachel