Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Plenty of people are unhappy with the rail-road right now because it apparently started the fire. But what about those of us who’ve been opposed to it longer than that? The train is an anachronistic relic of imperial-colonialism, when the United States seized land and resources without regard for who relied on them. That attitude prevails today, implicitly condoned by the continued service of the railroad that facilitated that plunder. When can we have that conversation? Huh?

- Off the Rails

Dear Picketer,

I don’t disagree with your socio-historical assessment. I also have the emotional-cultural awareness to know that, to most people today, steam engines make them remember Lionel and not xeno-environmental destruction. It’s a complex political-economic issue that will require way more hyphenated words (and more money than the railroad) to even have a feasible conversation.

– I’m all out of prefixes, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I got a gorgeous woman’s phone number at the Ride Festival last weekend. Score! Problem was, I was pretty well tripping on some combination of substances, and I don’t remember her name. Or... what she looks like. But I’m positive she was gorgeous. She may have even been a performer. I think I remember hitting on a few of them. So how do I initiate contact with someone I wouldn’t even recognize at a coffee shop? Help!

– Clueless in Colorado

Dear Dateless in Durango,

News flash: She’s not interested in you. Gorgeous women these days don’t hand out anonymous phone numbers to potential nookie partners. They want to add you to their Instagram follower totals. A phone number means she’s not interested in you knowing even the most public information she has to share. Or so I hear. I draw the line at handing my usernames to any dudes at any festivals. And now I remember why.

– Better luck next time, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I need some serious help with my time-management skills. I see other people in this town hold down multiple jobs, sustain their passions for everything from music to art to marijuana, and still have time to go tubing before the thunderstorms roll in. I have only one job, maybe a single half-hearted passion, and yet I haven’t floated down the river in four years now. How can I get my butt in the water and still manage everything else?

– Flooded

Dear Running Dry,

Take a look at all the little things frittering away your day. You think you’re trolling commenters on a sports blog for five minutes a day, but it’s actually an hour and a half. You watch one episode of a show on Netflix, and soon it’s asking you if you’re still alive to continue watching. You protest one measly imperial-colonial anachronism, and poof! There goes the summer. Cut out all those things that really matter, and then be willing to lose your job when your boss sees you on the water.

– Stuck on a rock, Rachel