Ask Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I’m hoping you can answer once and for all the question that has torn apart families and destroyed relationships ever since the first Model T rolled off the assembly line. To lease or to buy? I’m in the unenviable position of needing new wheels, and I know better than to ask anyone close to me. I genuinely can’t sort out the pros and cons of both options well enough to make an informed decision. What’s your take?

– Car Hopping

Dear 0% APR for 18 Months,

You’re not from around these parts, are you? Seems the Durango way is to spend a year and a half looking at used trucks and Subarus on Craigslist, and griping to everyone you meet about how anyone can ask eight grand for 240,000 miles that were clearly not easy miles. So you end up either dropping seven-five on a Tacoma knowing you can sell it in five years for at least seven even, or buying a Camry that you can abandon in the snow without feeling bad about.

– Beep beep, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

My sister lives in New York. What’s the big deal, right? The big deal is, I thought she lived in Oregon. Turns out she crossed the country

months ago without anyone saying peep to me about it. I thought family let family know about Life Transitions like that. I’m wondering, what all does this omission exempt me from? Can I stop making guesses about Christmas gifts? Ignore any future wedding invitations? Skip baby showers?

– RSV-Free

Dear Plus Zero,

You’re never exempt from wedding invitations and baby showers. Your second-grade swing buddy could send you a wedding invitation, and you’re automatically obliged to buy a Belgian waffle iron for the happy couple. No, I’m afraid all that you’re now exempt from is sharing your own Life Transitions. You get to show up at Christmas with a new spouse or kids or face tattoos – but you also still have to bring gifts.

– Family matters, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I see people out walking their dogs in the unseasonable heat in the middle of the afternoon. Even if the pavement weren’t too hot for their feet (it is), the dogs clearly look thirsty and miserable. And the owners ain’t exactly cheery either. Why do these people even have dogs if they think it’s OK to drag them down the street in temperatures kissing 100? Am I allowed to liberate them (the dogs)?

– Dog Days

Dear Liberator,

The behavior you’re witnessing is inhumane, and it’s stupid, but these are human beings you’re talking about. You can’t tell me you’re truly so surprised. They’re the same ones who cast actual votes for the person caught paying off porn stars instead of bragging about them publicly. Unfortunately, there’s no legal recourse for you to liberate dogs from these special people. However, you can strike up a conversation and encourage them, next time, to try leasing a dog instead of buying one.

– Unleashed, Rachel