Baby got back, being neighborly and watered-down advice

Dear Rachel,

My back hurts. I didn’t even do something a) manly or b) stupid to make it happen. No, I picked up a freaking hose. Not even the whole hose. Just the nozzle. And yoink! My back seized up, and now it hurts to get up and go to the bathroom. I take back every time I ever made fun of someone for getting old. This sucks. I’ve got ibuprofen and a good dispensary. What else do you recommend for a man this close to being in traction?

– Too Young for This S#!%

Dear Geezer Tweak,

Dude, just about everything that is so-called “manly” is also stupid. Monster trucks. Video games. Grunts. Repressing emotions. I’m all for the 21st century definition of manly. Gets vulnerable when he feels safe to do so. Fetches his own damn ibuprofen when his back hurts instead of crying for it when I’m clearly on a Zoom call or in the bath already. So learn to take care of yourself. And keep quiet. No one wants to hear about your pain and helplessness.

– Too old to be young, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I had to make a run to the Front Range for a few days for a family situation. I asked my nextie to keep an eye on the joint. You know… if they saw someone in an orange jumpsuit and a ski mask entering through a window, call the cops. But now he’s hinting that I should drop off a six-pack as thanks. Do I seriously owe my neighbor for looking at my house out the window of his own house every now and again?

– Watchdog

Dear Absentee Neighbor,

Isn’t it funny – we’ll ask any old neighbor to watch our houses for us. But who would you trust to watch your actual joints? (The rolled ones, not the hip ones.) That’s who your real six-pack friends are. Still, what’s a six-pack cost these days? Ten, 12, 18 bucks? A small price to pay to avert a lifetime of him blowing his leaves in your yard, only for you to blow them back, only for him to blow them back, only for you to… 

– Cheers, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

What is the “high grade” bubbly water, and how is it different than all the other brands of bubbly water? I can’t reason out why some of these cost twice as much as others. Water? Check. Non-caloric flavoring? Check. Bubbles? Check. Never mind that it’s ridiculous to pay like 50 cents a can for this stuff anyway. How can others justify charging a buck a–pop?

– Carbonated Conundrum

Dear Fizzed,

Back in MY DAY, I used to buy my sodapopcoke for a quarter. In a vending machine. Which means it cost probably half that at the grocery store, if you bought it warm. Now, you pay extra for them to take the sugar out. It’s like how bleached coffee filters cost less than the natural ones, even though the natural ones save the cost of bleach. I just don’t know. Now get off my back about it. It hurts.

– She of the childless lawn, Rachel