Back from time-out, rhyme with no reason & email guilt

Dear Rachel,

COME BACK why did you leave us with Phoebe, what did you say to piss people off enough that you got suspended from the Telegraph? I didn’t know that was even possible. The whole point of the Telegraph is that you’re not full of yourselves and you’re free to have some personality, well that and quality fire starters if you hoard back issues all summer. Whatever you did, please repent so we can see you again!

– Hunger Strike

Dear Rabid Fan,

I spent the last week locked in a room with barred windows high in the cinderblock wall. Hey, at least I had wifi, which was good, because my bread and water didn’t come with a print edition Tele. I went online, and that’s how I saw the one-star Google review that the Tele is “biased, one-sided and ignorant,” and I realized THIS was probably the d-bag who called and nearly got me canned (but not really). If you don’t get hate mail in this biz, you’re probably trying too hard to be unbiased, both-sided and smart, which no one (and I mean no one) has ever accused me of.

– Slanted, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

As I read from one of your fans that her mother is anti vax, well I would tell her, “Mom, it’s OK. I will get paid if you die from not getting vaxed. I will get your SS and Medicare because it goes into the BIG Government pot known as the USA.” You also can buy TP for Rachel to TP Pumpkin Head’s house. Hey, no shortage of TP now because we got vaxed for Covid. Hey hey, vax today.

– Uncle Sam and Mother Liberty

Dear Patriots,

Despite your good intentions, you just inadvertently made the best case I’ve ever seen for NOT getting vaccinated. This reads like Donald Trump had a concussion, except for that last rhyming part, because I’m pretty sure that’s too sophisticated for him. I need to know, as a point of comparison, what you wrote like before getting the jab, and if even then you enlisted unwitting people in your TPing schemes.

– Poke poke, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I have a few emails in my inbox that I never responded to, for no good reason. It’s now been enough weeks (months?) that acknowledging their emails in my reply will just be awkward for us all. Am I better off pretending that I’m writing to them out of the blue, without ever making note of their unrequited letters? Or do I just delete the emails and pretend these people don’t exist?

– Return to Sender

Dear Unknown Recipient,

Why take any action at all? You could simply cease to take action until your inbox hits five digits of unread emails. Plausible deniability, baby. It’s unrealistic to think that anyone these days can possibly respond to every email. As soon as it’s off the first page, it’s dead to me. And with all the hate mail I get, that first page fills up in no time flat.

– Eternally unread, Rachel