Barbie bubble, Boebert's big night & dad issues

Dear Rachel,

In response to whoever wrote about their crazy mom last week, I just wanna say at least she’s not a hoarder and doesn’t make you post her Barbies for sale on e-bay because she is also completely computer illiterate. How does she have more Barbies every time I visit? I know she’s not buying them on e-bay, maybe just from garage sales? Hey, any idea how I can outsource this work?

– Mother’s Little Helper

Dear Auctioneer Barbie,

My question for you is, are you earning commission on these dolls? Because right now there’s a real premium on the truly rare Barbies. Either that or the market is flooded, and we’re about to see Bubble Burstin’ Barbie. But this should not impact your budding business. You deserve your cut. 15% or at least a gift certificate to the crystal shop.

– Your Replacement Rachel Barbie, Phoebe

Dear Rachel,

Do you think it will be OK to vape at a Town Hall meeting in Colorado? It appears it’s OK to do it at a concert. I know it’s legal, but maybe the Town Hall meeting and say City Council meeting would be a mellower affair. They could have some smooth jazz in the background or nature music. Your thoughts on this new way of looking at federal and state issues. It’s been done and more to come.

– Smokey Joe

Dear Smokehouse Joseph,

I can’t stand vaping. I’d rather just burn patchouli, thank you. But I take it you are referring to Boebert’s big night out. I want this to be a picture book. Oh oh! Or a song! Like a long, Edmund Fitzgerald-style tale. “She went on a date, made the production run late, because she couldn’t keep hands off her fella! She took in a puff and she left in a huff, I thought pot was s’posed to make you more mella!” Maybe this is my follow-up to “Smelly Cat.”

– Lyrically, Phoebe

Dear Rachel,

I’m concerned about my dad’s mental health. He has started referring to himself in the third person. Not just for comedic effect either, like “Papa’s hungry!” before tucking into a rack of ribs. I mean, he texts me now to say “Papa needs to take a walk before his back goes out” and “Papa can’t believe that touchdown.” I don’t know where he picked up this habit but how do I break him of it?

– Sonny’s Worried

Dear Papa’s Boy,

This is turning into Parental Issues Corner with Phoebe. I’m frankly surprised I don’t have letters from Boebert’s kids. It’s bad enough having a mother that makes you pose with guns at Christmas like they’re members of the family. But now your new daddy has ruined Beetlejuice. Speaking of, good thing your dad doesn’t call himself Beetlejuice, or he’d make himself appear after three text messages in a row. I wonder what the collectable market is for Beetlejuice dolls? Maybe we can start a parental hookup site so we can offload the crazies on each other.

– Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Phoebe