Being too nosy, drunk junk and Reddit or not

Dear Rachel,

I found my pandemic breaking point when I was buying bacon at a local grocery store butcher counter, and the person putting my order together had his nose hanging out of his mask. Head inside the case, breathing nose particles all over the selections. I felt sick. But I heard that stupid “if you can’t say something nice” voice in my head, and I didn’t tear him a new nose hole. Should I have, though? 

– Sanity and Sanitation

Dear Nose Hole,

That’s the perfect insult. Don’t be such a nose hole, you nose hole. It’s extra fitting, because most of the nose holes we see anymore are indeed on assholes. Some people are inadvertent nose holes, it’s true. Maybe your butcher-counter nose hole knew his mask had slipped, but he didn’t want to touch anything near his face before grappling with your bacon. Here’s my cleanliness tip for you: cook the bacon before eating it, to kill any of his particulates.

– Next to godliness, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I finally gave in to try some computer apps meant to save me time. I have one to remember all my passwords, another to put coupon codes for every purchase. Sure, they work, but now they just irritate me with popup windows. Whatever time they’re saving me, they’re taking back in unwarranted aggravation. I’m about ready to go back to Windows XP, the last time I enjoyed a computer. But I’m giving it one more shot. Do you recommend any apps that actually work?

- Due for a Reboot

Dear App Snap Fever,

If you haven’t enjoyed a computer in 15 years, it’s high time we teach you about memes, and old SNL clips, and monthly box subscription services. Actually, that last one pretty much terrifies me. The last thing I need is a box of more crap showing up every month, “curated” by some hipster who has never listened to me drunk enough to spill my true desires. I have enough boxes of junk showing up every month of my own accord, thank you very much.

– You’ve got mail, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I just cashed out a few hundred dollars in savings bonds that my grandma got for me when I was born. I decided to be a responsible adult and reinvest them. This was all right when the Game Stop drama hit. I decided not to dump my grandma’s money into that stock, but mostly because I don’t understand the market mechanics. Also, I don’t understand Reddit. Can you give me a crash course?

– Out of Stock

Dear Backordered,

Here goes: you remember those bros in high school who never did their own homework? Well, some of them went on to get MBAs. Rather than contribute anything useful, they make money with imaginary numbers. Now, remember the rest of us in high school who did our homework? A bunch of people like us joined forces on Reddit, which is normally used for people asking strangers if they are the nose hole in their own life stories. But this time, they did something else with the imaginary numbers to stick it to the real nose holes. Capiche?

– Bullishly bearish, Rachel