Big Brother face-off, dis'ad'vantage and reindeer games

Dear Rachel,

Out of nowhere I’m seeing all these AI art things (paintings? drawings? renderings?) my friends are doing. It’s like look, here’s my airbrushed face as a medieval wizard! As an enlightened being! As a dark seductress! And I just don’t understand the appeal. I guess it’s like getting your caricature done at the fair? But it feels like something more insidious.

– Art-ificial Intelligence

Dear Right No-brained,

What could be insidious about letting a strange computer analyze your face and create things from it? I mean, other than the obvious potential for data harvesting, incidentally signing away rights to your likeness and your friends’ likenesses and your identical twin’s likeness without any of their express written consent, which is weird because it’s legally easier to sign away your life than it is to record an NFL game for later. 

– Say cheese, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

I get the Herald for the Albertsons and City Market ads on Wednesday, but the last time, the City Market ad was missing. A worker bee ay City Market said they don’t put ads in the paper due to the cost and everyone has a computer now. Hell no, they don’t. They said they are saving money and people don’t read the newspaper anymore. “Too bad, so sorry, but CEO did it, don’t blame me.” What about the old people who don’t do digital or even have a PC? And City Market wants to buy Albertsons. People need to protest. I don’t think City Market will cut prices with the savings from not running their ads, and the Herald is loosing moneys. Your thoughts on this please.

– Cheap Shopper

Dear Skating Cheap,

Noooo, we can’t have anyone loosing moneys! Not even our mortal enemies at the other newspapers! Or you! So just go shop at Albertsons if paper coupons matter so much to you. With all your savings, perhaps you can buy out City Market yourself.

– Cash value 1/20 of one cent, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

We’re doing an optional Secret Santa at work, and what I don’t get is why the non-Christians feel so free to participate. I’m all for welcoming people into other religious ceremonies, I just don’t think I would take part. My coworker thinks I’m a bad word for this, but I think it’s just respectful. What do you think?

– Spirit of the Season

Dear Outed Santa,

Ah yes, the underquoted “Book of Nicklaus,” in which Jehovah of Old Testament wrath decreed unto His children, “Go forth! And collect the bounty of this land and the fruit of these trees, to gift upon thine neighbors. But letteth them not know who gifted these bounties upon them, for all these offerings are in Nicklaus’ name, not the work of Man but of the Jolly Old Elf.” Tis the season of giving, and I’d prefer artificial intelligence to artificial compassion any day.

– Ho no no, Rachel