Bird brains and insufferable vegans
Interesting fact: Twenty-five percent of peanuts sold between March and October go to baseball stadiums. But not this year. Save the peanuts! Feed them to your animals. (Without xylitol.)
Dear Rachel,
I put out birdfeeders this spring for the first time since kindergarten, back when I rolled pinecones in peanut butter and hung them out for the birds. I had way more success with the PB&P than with my $30 feeders filled with $40 feed. The birds ate the seeds down about 2 inches and then just … stopped. They’ve literally eaten nothing since April. Did a disgruntled bird leave me a bad Yelp review? How can I recover my visitors?
– Eating Like Birds
Dear One Starling Review,
So many variables here. Did you use locally sourced sunflower seeds? Is the millet organic? Did you offer bubbly water in a birdbath, or just tap? All I know is that the customer is always right, even when they are bird-brains. I think you have no choice but to return to peanut butter on pinecones. Better make it almond butter, in case of peanut allergies. And a cashew butter one, just in case. On local Colorado ponderosa cones. Naturally.
– Cheep ass, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
My boyfriend recently went vegan. I support him in his decision. I just made him swear that he would not be an insufferable vegan. He agreed, but I now realize that insufferability is part of the job description. I can’t eat a (veggie!) pizza without him berating me about the dairy cows who suffered for my cheese. Then he criticizes me for eating the whole pizza. (What, I’m supposed to throw out the half he used to eat?) Even when he shuts his trap, his expressions are more vivid than a TV drag queen. Do I break up with him in person, or will a note on the empty pizza box suffice?
– Bite Me (Oh Wait, You Can’t Because I’m Meat)
Dear Milk Maiden,
If there’s anything worse than an insufferable vegan, it’s an insufferable vegan who thinks you’re still together. Too bad he couldn’t find more subtle ways to criticize your life choices. He might not be willing to touch the pizza box. Traces of cheese, and all that. Better make the message clear: write out your signature, the whole thing, in whipped cream on his side of the bed.
– Veg out, Rachel
Dear Rachel,
There’s a shop I used to take my dog into, back in the days when we could feel safe in public places. They always gave him a treat, and he L-O-V-E-D their treats, and I really saw how he bonded with them. So I bought him a bag of those treats. Not only does he ignore the treats, he ignores me too. How can I get back in my buddy’s good graces?
- Doggie Bagged
Dear Canine Style,
Is your dog an insufferable vegan? I hope not. Vegans can actually be really cool people. They often have admirable reasoning behind their dietary restrictions. It’s the judgy evangelical fervor that ruins it for the rest of us. Don’t let your dog go down that road. Ditch the treats. Try rolling him some pinecones in peanut butter to win his love. Or, just roll him in peanut butter.
– Good dog, Rachel
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