Blacking out, winter refuge and early resolutions

Dear Rachel,

It really bugs me that Black Friday has become such a major holiday. Not only because we follow our one day of togetherness with a day of crass consumerism. But also because it’s just got a horrible name. “Black Friday” sounds like a day of dread and destruction. Which, I guess it kind of is. So why do we celebrate this like we do?

– Bleak Friday

Dear Dark Forecast,

What could possibly be more American than the one-two punch of Thanksgiving and Black Friday? We gorge ourselves on harvest foods, except instead of being healthy about it we drench them in marshmallows, maple syrup, margarine and Coca-Cola. Then we seize our phones in the dead of night to capitalize on cheap crap, most of which was marked up last week to make the sales seem steeper. This is what we live for.

– God bless the USA, Rachel

Dear Rachel,

All my friends leave me this time of year. They all have places in San Miguel or Scottsdale. Do they even think to invite me, their staunch summertime friend? Yes, they do. But do they offer to fly me down there? Hell no. What makes them think I can afford a plane ticket? I can’t even afford a lift ticket. I’m stuck here snowshoeing without friends. I need some new, better ones who don’t migrate. What advice can you give an old bird on making winter friends?

– Snowed Out

Dear Fair-Weather Friend,

I can think of only one way to attract friends in this place at any stage: Costumes. Organize a themed costume-not-optional snowshoe outing and see who shows up. I can’t make you any promises on age, income level or friendship quality, but I can guarantee that they will show up with alcohol. And that is the best way to make friends, whether for a day or the rest of your life – which could be the same thing if you get drunk together up a mountain in the winter.

– Flipping the snow bird, Rachel 

Dear Rachel,

Forget New Year’s resolutions. We really should have Thanksgiving resolutions. I’m never so motivated to get in shape as I am right after watching the Cowboys on TV, meanwhile I can hardly run back to the kitchen. Plus a new gym membership would give me a good excuse to leave the house when the in-laws come back for Christmas. Hey Rachel, let’s make this a thing. Whaddya say?

– Gym Rat

Dear Workout Mouse,

The way to make this happen isn’t through me – it’s through the gyms that could start running killer Black Friday sales. “Forget door busters! Sign up today for our Turkey Busters!” “Stuffing got you swollen? Get swol with us!” “Stuck with your toxic family during the holidays? We can’t help with that. But you can hit a punching bag!” Might need some work, but what do you expect for 80% off with a 12-month commitment?

– One set of three, Rachel